girl growing

the house that love built

2009-04-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

'it is a curious sensation:

the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling.

when your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more.

it is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.'

-george bernard shaw

so i thought i was done with blogging for awhile,

but then adrian died.

adrian is one of the guys that lived at 'alpha house'.

alpha is part of the harbor community that i'm apart of in houston.

the house is run by my friends josh & aimee who have two beautiful daughters, shaun and rebecca.

over the past years they have worked with men that are recovering from drug addictions.

they have given them a place to stay with low rent pay, a safe place to get healthy again, and a family that loves and hopes for them.

they are very, very brave.

after hurricane ike there was some damage done to the apartments that these men have lived in.

adrian was the last guy living there and he had moved into the house during the construction to fix the apartments.

on april 18th, after a morning of running errands in a thunderstorm, josh, aimee, and their daughters came home to find adrian slumped over in his room.

he had overdosed on heroine.

apparently he had been clean for about a year until a month ago when he has used again.

aimee is somewhere around 6 months pregnant and was the one to help do CPR on adrian.

the other house connected with harbor is right down the street.

it's the house where jim, betty, jovon and ryan live and were called over to the house when adrian was found.

they were able to help get the little girls out of the house and help josh and aimee as they go adrian's heart beating again.

one week later adrian was buried after having several of his organs donated to transplant patients.

i didn't know adrian very well.

he was super shy and i am super not.

i wish i had known him better.

he was 23 years old.

i also don't know the kind of pain that adrian lived with.

as far as anyone can tell, he hadn't meant to hurt himself.

i do know the kind of pain that all of us are dealing with in 'the after'.

i see it on josh and aimee's faces.

i hear it in our community as we try to figure out where to go from here.

adrian is the only death in 10 years of working with people recovering from drug addictions.

his death changes things though.

it brings out things in each of us.

makes us ask some questions.

makes us look at ourselves a little differently.

in the end, i hope that adrian knew peace.

i hope that eventually we will all heal,

and that we may too know peace.

i'm not sure if this means i'll keep blogging,

or if it's just gotten me wanting to talk again.

i'm still a happy little girl,

but i felt the need to remember adrian.

that's why i made the video above.

i don't have any pictures of him,

but i have pictures of the harbor children.

one of the reasons i love community is because of the children.

most of them will never know what a 'big church' is like.

what it's like to sit in pews,

or be put into a bunch of church programming.

i like having them around.

i like when they see all of us together working on the alpha house construction.

i like how all of us get to help raise the children together.

so i made the video for the kids and to remember adrian.

may he rest in peace.

in the end.

2009-04-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

it has been a long time since i blogged.

recently i've tried to figure out why that is,

and the best answer i can come up with is...

because i'm happy.

it seems silly really,

but it's pretty much the truth.

after returning from my 5 1/2 month trip across europe i found myself to be a different person.

blogging about pain and suffering and deep change is a lot easier than simply saying that,

'today i am happy'.

it just isn't quite as profound.

so where am i now?

despite the recession i have found a great job:

i'm lucky enough to spend my time planning summer camps for kids.

the work behind camps is tons of fun,

and really rewarding as well.

i am still loving my communities and learning how to be loved by them.

my family is alive and well...

learning how to heal and how to grow.

ryan and i are still dating and still working on our relationship.

we will have been together 3 years this september.

but does love conquer all?

i suppose only time will tell.

and God and i?

well,

we're still working on our relationship too.

and lastly, i've found something i'm really passionate about:

taking pictures.

my parents were lovely enough to buy me a new canon 50d dslr and i've been snapping photos every chance i get.

in fact, i've started a new blog to track through my picture-taking progress.

and so, for now, i'm happy.

it's time to move on and start something new.

maybe you can visit me there

'happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth...

we are happy when we are growing'

-yeats

day 160

2008-12-19T12:13:00.000-08:00

today is my first day back in texas.

this morning i woke up thinking, 'i wish i was home...'

only to realize that i was home!!

my last few days in london were great.

shannon was able to get us on a rooftop terrace of parliament so that we could see big ben up close!

it was one of those lovely rainy, cold english days and a pretty euphoric feeling standing up there.

that's when the 'day of processing' began.

if you know anything about shannon hopkins, you know she makes you think!

afterward we had coffee and then went for lunch to one of my favorite american diners, TDIFridays.

then we went and had a glass of wine at 'Gordons' which is down in some catacombs in the city.

so we went from the top of the city to underneath the city all in one day,

whilst processing all along.

it got my mind thinking...

remembering all that i've come through over these past 5 1/2 months along with what the future could be.

and now i'm home...

home sweet home.

it will be good to rest and to be in my own space for awhile.

it hasn't even really set in that i'm here-i think that will take awhile.

but soon enough everything will start coming back to me and i'm sure i'll develop wanderlust once more.

but for now, i'm back in texas...

who knew i would miss it so much.

maybe now i can start to smell like home again.

...and on the 6th day...

2008-12-12T06:36:00.000-08:00

...God created MANchester.

at least that's what they tell me.

my trip to manchester last week was great.

i got to spend time with laura drane and her husband mark...

and then also ben edson, his wife ruth & their kids jude and lily.

i also got to see their community, sanctus1, in action.

from the moment i walked in the door i was set to work helping them set up for their advent art installation-'GIFT'.

sanctus1 meet in a cafe called nexus which is in the basement of the methodist church block in the center of manchester.

also sharing their back office space in a network called 'SPEAK' which works on getting out information on the injustices of the world.

so you've got sanctus, great art installations, fighting injustices, and great coffee all in one spot.

oh, and some of the 'leadership team' at sanctus are paid by BOTH the methodist & the anglican church.

so if i had to pick a word for manchester, i would pick:

CONNECTED.

it's not like in the states where each church and denomination is fighting the others down the street for fear of their lives.

no, in manchester (and around a lot of the UK) the church just wants to survive and is happy to let the other denominations do the things they do best...

let the baptists do their baptisms well,

let the anglicans do their liturgy well, etc.

sanctus1 was cool.

we had some great intellectual conversations and they do some kickass alt. worship...

but i was reassured that ben (one of the leadership team) is only artsy by association.

that made me feel a bit better.

i also got to stay in 'laura drane's castle'!

(it's really an old cathedral that's been renovated into 25 different flats)

it's beautiful and a really great space-i guess when you've got old cathedrals on every block it's easy to find new uses for them.

sanctus was a great way to end this trip.

it got my creative/spiritual/questioning juices flowing again.

now i've got about 5 days left and i head back to texas.

i'm excited, but it will be sad to leave this time and space.

it'll take a long time to unpack everything...

literally and figuratively,

but for those that have read throughout the trip-

thanks.

i'm gonna be glad to get home and tell all these stories.

nine

2008-12-09T12:32:00.000-08:00

my friends jonny baker and jon birch over at proost proost (the fellas that published the 'book of blessings' from the wellspring community) have been cooking up a project for advent for a while which is now available...

inspired by the grace community and their service nine over the last few years, they commissioned nine artists to interpret nine different pieces of the christmas story.

all the pieces have been created in response to one of the traditional nine readings from the nine lessons and carols christmas service.

there are 6 movies and 3 tracks.

the items are not available individually - they wanted to keep this as a set.

i think it's a great idea for communities interested in doing something different and creative for advent and the christmas season.

the whole compilation is available for NINE pounds...

which is like $13 or something, depending on how the dollar is doing on any given day :)

YOURS TRULY is on the 5th track with the one and only mr. jon birch...

it's a blessing based on mary & the angel that visits her and the verses luke 1: 26–35; 38.

check it out on the proost website!

manchester

2008-12-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

the last couple of weeks have been crazy!

shannon has returned from her 'american tour'-fundraising and more sweet notions.

as soon as she hit the ground we started to get thanksgiving ready (she throws a party each year and invites over the americans & english).

it was a great time, but an awful lot of work for someone like me who doesn't cook.

i did, however, pull off a corn souffle and two pumpkin pies.

they were great...ask anyone!

during that time my friend molly from oklahoma came over for a visit so i got to show her some of my new 'stomping ground' around london.

we also took a trip down to the coast and hung out in brighton.

today is my second day hanging out in manchester with the community sanctus1.

last night they had their weekly gathering and we discussed the prophets for their 2nd advent week...

tonight i'm going to help a local vicar serve beer at his church where they're hosting some bands,

today and tomorrow i've been helping out with a group called 'speak' that work in social justice issues,

saturday i'm helping out at a craft fair being held in the cafe that santus1 meets in,

and then that night i'm volunteering from 2am-6am at the cafe (we call cabs and hang out with folks who need it).

whew.

then i'm back to london to ride out my last week and a half before returning to the states!

i've loved this trip...

so much more processing to go,

but i am so ready to be home.

so ready for christmas!!!

oh, and did i mention i saw SNOW on my train ride up to manchester?

free.

2008-11-11T16:13:00.000-08:00

my roomie here in london, hannah, and i have been doing a lot of processing about who we are and what we want to do with the future.

recently i made a list of things i CAN do for a job and things i WANT to do.

when i saw that i even left the window open for the 'can' category...

i realized something was wrong.

when i quit the ymca last year i gave my boss a card.

he had been complaining for the past year about how he wanted to quit the Y but never did.

the card had a drawn box with butterflies flying inside it.

there was one, lone butterfly flying outside of the box.

one of the butterflies inside said, 'why are you flying outside the box?

why don't you come back in here where it's safe?'

the butterfly on the outside of the box replied...

'you may be safe, but i am free'.

i recalled that card when i realized i had created a 'can' category.

hannah and i agree that there is a vacuum out there that wants to suck us in and that it must have started somewhere around graduation...

but the more i think about it,

i think it started much longer ago.

somewhere down the line somebody or something made us feel like we had to be a part of the 'rat race' that so many people get caught up in.

i realized that to 'be free' is a really intentional thing.

i have to wake up every morning and tell myself that 'i choose to be free'.

that way i don't get sucked back into believing i have to live my life a certain way and on somebody else's terms.

i think God is a lot like that for me.

i will go days without remembering God.

there are times when i hurt so bad and i feel so lonely that i wonder if God is real.

the same goes with people that i love and tell me they love me.

it seems to be an intentional conversation that has to take place everyday...

otherwise i slowly find myself being sucked back into the vacuum.

i have to choose to believe in God...

choose to believe i'm loved...

choose to believe that i am free.

spring of hope.

2008-11-11T10:38:00.000-08:00

'it was the best of times, it was the worst of times,

it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness,

it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity,

it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness,

it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair,

we had everything before us, we had nothing before us...'

-a tale of two cities; charles dickens

election day.

2008-11-04T04:43:00.000-08:00

i hope america knows just how closely the rest of the world is watching today.

i'll be holding my breath.

no matter what, i'm proud to have witnessed an election of this magnitude.

i'm learnin'.

2008-10-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

'i admit...i once lived by rumors of you;

now i have it all firsthand-

from my own eyes and ears.'

-job 42:5

from the other side

2008-10-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

i've had lots of conversations with people lately about why i'm here and where i've come from.

just today i sent an email to a new friend who's about to graduate and seems to be in a similar place that i was then.

i'm also staying with a girl who just moved here from the US and is having a hard time figuring out who she is and where she's going.

to both friends, i mentioned my blog.

it's hard to remember all the details of what has happened and perhaps easier to just read what i wrote.

i checked back to see when i began my process of being 'undone'.

in september of 2006 i wrote a blog titled 'wrestle' and my first line of the entry was

'i cannot find God'.

and back then, i couldn't.

the next two years were the most painful two years of my life thus far.

as i've written, it was two years worth of being undone.

flash forward to july/august of this year...

and as my friend johannes said,

i needed to get up from the bathtub floor.

the bathtub floor was where i found myself much too often over the past two years.

the pain had gotten to be so much that i would lie there, crying in a fetal position, until the pain was gone and i could go on.

it is strange to talk about all of that in past tense now.

things are so different.

my life is so different.

i am so different.

it feels good and i hope that i can share some of what i learned from that.

just the other day i shared the email that ryan wrote me before i left on this trip.

he and i were broken up at the time,

but these were the words he wrote:

'i want you to have the time of your life in europe.

i want you to continue to work hard at unlearning old habits and putting on the new juli and finding out who that is,

and to have fun doing it.

please, have fun for me.

go see beautiful things.

meet beautiful people.

practice loving strangers.

practice being those things that are at the center of who you are.

take pictures (you take great pictures).

have good conversations with people you respect and want to learn from.

listen and share with people that look like they need it.

let people listen to you and share with them every little part of who you are and where you have been and where you want to go.

they will love you for it and you will love them.

and it will give us something to talk about over coffee when you get back.'

i know i have done those things...

when he first wrote that to me i didn't know if i could,

but i did and it has been beautiful.

ireland

2008-10-22T06:44:00.001-07:00

i absolutely loved my trip over to ireland

(more specifically belfast).

i took a 2 hour train ride down to dublin,

and although the scenery on the way down was amazing,

dublin looked just like any other big city-

tons of people, shops, etc.

but belfast...

whew. it was wonderful.

i really enjoyed the people i stayed with-

susan & jonny mcewen that i met at greenbelt.

i also got to check out their 'community'...

(i don't know that they would use that word)...ikon.

i really like ikon, though sometimes it's hard to get my head around what pete rollins is saying.

i'll try to do a couple posts later on about what i got from their gathering.

lots of philosophy & theology...two of my favorite things.

belfast is also a place rife with violence, anger, hatred, oppression.

the city isn't that big-reminded me of the town i grew up in, tomball.

but there are so many people crammed into one little space.

literally, if you crossed a street you would go from one allegiance to another.

in the past it was always catholic vs. protestant,

but now it's more like all the northern irish vs. the immigrants.

it is a tumultuous place and since susan and jonny both work for peace in the city and are brushed up on their history so i got plenty of tours and stories.

so, if i had to pick a word for belfast,

it would be

LOYALTY.

those people that fight and hate,

regardless of where it's coming from,

are loyal to a point i can't understand.

but it's not just them,

the northern irish are a stern, 'we don't do bullshit' kind of people,

but they're also some of the kindest most hospitable i've ever known.

i hope to have them as friends for a long time.

in addition to learning, i had a blast there too.

the mcewens' are friendly people and two of the nights i was there got personal invites from performing musicians letting them know their names were on the list at the door for entrance.

(like i said, it was a blast).

ikon was a great plus though...

and i'm excited to take back some of what i've learned once it's processed.

i think belfast will always have a tender little piece of my heart...

and maybe one day, if i'm lucky, i'll get to go back.

grace

2008-10-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

i got the chance to hang out with my friends the bakers and their group grace church this weekend in london.

they are a really neat bunch and i enjoyed my visit a lot.

when i walked in i was greeted by people in white zip-up suits, gas masks, and wellies.

the theme of the month is 'contamination' and i got to get in on part one of the two month series.

grace did a great job of getting people to interact.

i like that once a month they have an organizing meeting and people volunteer to help with the upcoming service, whatever that looks like in the end.

seems like people there really value the group and want help keep creating 'grace'.

in this gathering we considered different ways that we make ourselves 'clean' or 'acceptable' to God...

different verses were read from the OT to the NT where people were told not to eat certain meats, not to participate in certain behaviors, etc and then jesus came and flipped that on it's head.

at the end of the gathering we all stood in front of a long white sheet and someone read from the NT how only the high priests could enter the holy of holies but that jesus came and split the curtain...

as this was read someone actually came up and pulled apart the two sheets revealing a huge white light blazing on us from behind.

i was stood in the center and was somewhat blinded by the brightness.

i think that moment i got what they wanted me to get...

i felt washed over.

i felt like all my efforts to control and be perfect were unnecessary.

i felt accepted with some new friends.

it was nice...i liked it,

and i hope to visit them again before i head back to the states.

pictured above is a shot of me taken by jonny baker.

i love that he caught that moment for me.

e·merge

2008-10-08T03:27:00.000-07:00

definition: to come forth into view or notice, as from concealment or obscurity.

now, i don't know about most people these days,

but it seems the whole 'emerging/emergent' movement has gotten more confusing as time goes by.

seven years ago i found myself leaving the episcopal church i had been raised with,

and began to journey with ecclesia church in houston when they had around 40 people and were still in a gym.

5 years after that i found wellspring through a class at HBU,

and no one but the heavens could have orchestrated that meeting.

i was in desperate need of something more and ironically found it in my hometown.

(that is another story for another day)

i remember going back to school the day after my 'worship and music' class had attended wellspring,

and so many students were upset by what they had seen.

'there was no clear pastor/preacher.'

'the communion wasn't given enough attention and wasn't blessed.'

'they played secular music before the service started.'

'they meet in a bar/poker venue!'

the list went on and on.

my professors listened quietly and tried to explain the experience as best they could,

but i found myself in tears.

whatever that was, whatever i had experienced at wellspring was the representation of all that i believed the church should be striving for...

and my fellow students were spitting on it.

this month marks the 3 year anniversary of my commitment to wellspring.

the following year my university began offering a class in the 'emerging church'.

my schedule didn't allow for me to take the class but my boyfriend did.

i found myself in a bitter place.

over the year i had spent a lot of time reading up and studying the emerging movement,

and i took on many of my ultra-conservative baptist schoolmates with gloves off and guns blazing.

it was something worth fighting for.

it was a movement i believed in,

and still do.

i just don't argue anymore.

i don't try to build walls of sound theological groundwork from which to hide behind as i throw biblical spears at my friends.

in fact, i find myself tired.

since finding wellspring i've also joined in with other groups that are living out these new forms of church and some are totally unaware of the 'emerging conversation'.

this 'postmodern/emerging/emergent/community/collective' debate is part of who i am.

i can't let that go,

but at the same time i find myself weary from the fighting.

i do feel as though something new is coming in all this,

(perhaps that's my own addiction to change)

but i do believe that the next generation will do some things differently.

maybe that will be my generation, the early twenty somethings,

or maybe it will be my children.

maybe we will 'birth it or bury it' as my friend karen has said before.

maybe it will just continue to emerge.

or maybe it will descend even further into obscurity.

time will tell.

for those of you who want to read about the current discussion of whether we should lose the word 'emerging', check out some of my friends who have blogged recently.

mark berry

jonny baker

andrew jones

and the christianity today article from a month ago that reads:

'R.I.P. emerging church: an overused and corrupted term now sleeps with the fishes.'

guess we'll find out if they're right.

'the jab'

2008-10-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

this past week up in orkney the jones family have been dealing with quite a bit of drama.

right now orkney is one of the places where the new HPV vaccination is being given across the UK.

i'm no expert on HPV, but from what i've read it's a sexually transmitted disease...and so that adds a moral dilemma for most people who want to choose abstinence until marriage.

after several conversations, the jones daughters decided to opt out of the vaccination.

the jones' 13 year-old daughter turned in her permission slip signed 'no' but on the day of the vaccine was pulled aside by the doctor who informed her she was the only one that had marked 'no'...

abigail told her that her mother had given her the choice and asked whether there was a chance she could be unable to get pregnant later on.

the doctor told her no and proceeded to go ahead and give her the vaccine.

abigail had not verbally said 'yes' and her permission slip sat in front of them marked 'no'.

abigail also has type-1 diabetes.

when she got home that afternoon the whole family was shocked.

how in the world had the doctor gotten away with it?

abigail has been taught to respect adults, especially doctors due to all of her experience, and was just as confused by what had occurred.

i know in texas that for awhile the vaccine was mandatory,

but it was later overturned.

in some schools it still is mandatory.

it's hard to know what the truth is about HPV...

but i do know that what happened to my friend abigail is not okay.

if you've got a daughter or are considering getting the vaccine,

i recommend you read andrew jones' blog on the family's experience here.

makes me sad.

christmas day

2008-10-05T06:02:00.001-07:00

we're celebrating christmas today at the jones' house up in orkney.

(yesterday we celebrated christmas eve!)

yeah, i know, we're a couple months early,

but we simply couldn't resist.

winter has arrived up in scotland.

i checked the weather the other night...

it said it felt like 22 degrees outside.

the wind blowing so hard that it was knocking the front door open.

you can also hear the wind flow through the chimneys-

it sounds like rolling thunder.

so, since it pretty much feels like christmas to me,

and i've been downloading christmas music for the past week,

i decided we should celebrate...

and things just kind of escalated from there.

yesterday the jones daughters and i baked sugar cookies.

we spent the day decorating them and ate them as the family watched

'a muppet christmas' together.

today our family chef (andrew) is cooking up a chicken and stuffing,

and we've got my christmas music blaring throughout the house.

i woke up this morning to the sound of running feet and the youngest jones girls going from room to room singing 'jingle bells',

and when i left my room and exclaimed to the youngest jones that

'it's so cold today!' she replied back, very matter-of-factly, as she jump-roped through the hall...

'well of course, it's christmas.'

i don't know what it is about christmas that makes people so happy,

so willing to join in on the fun when the holiday is still 3 months away,

but i like it.

it adds a bit of fun to the cold outside,

gives us something to look forward to,

and an excuse to be silly as a family...

curled up by the fire, eating cookies, and singing carols together.

yes, even in october,

it is the most wonderful time of year.

day 80

2008-10-01T03:49:00.000-07:00

'not only does travel give us a new system of reckoning, it also brings to the fore unknown aspects of our own self. our consciousness being broadened and enriched, we shall judge ourselves more correctly.'

-ella maillart; swiss writer

i've spent the past week and a half back up in orkney with the jones' family.

awhile ago i checked the latitudinal line to see where the island lines up with north america, and it lines up with canada.

yes, canada.

since it's an island, however, it stays pretty warm considering how cold it could be.

even still...i find myself wearing 3 pairs of socks, a sweater, a fleece coat, gloves, a hat and blankets as often as i can.

oh, and i drink plenty of hot chocolate.

for the past week i've been trying to manage the 5 jones children while their parents are away in the states for some business (and pleasure too-they're on their way back from tahoe right now!)

these kids are great...they pretty much take care of themselves and i simply remind them to brush their teeth, clean their rooms, and wake up for school in the morning.

other than that though, i spend my time reading and trying to stay warm.

the part of orkney that i'm on is called stromness and is more like a small village than a town.

the jones' live on top of the post office and the stone road outside their door is barely wide enough to fit vehicles.

across the street is a bakery where we buy our bread as well as small shops full of expensive local crafts.

it's nice to be right here in the middle of things and it's still safe enough so that we never have to lock the door.

this is also a hard place to live for someone like me who has come from american culture.

they have a small washing machine and have to hang their clothes to dry, which would be fine except that it takes days to dry since it is so cold.

despite renovations, there is no central heating through the house and warmth comes by fire or space heaters.

we have to hand wash all the dishes, which would also be fine except that there are 8 people living in this house and dishes add up quickly.

we also light the stove by match have to guess when the food is done since the stove is so old.

if you want hot water here you've got to use the 'burco boiler' which takes about 30 min to heat up and when you jump out you're freezing cold again.

oh, and i also finish off mice that the cat finds around the house.

i have learned so much about myself in just a week.

i've gotten into the 'jones rhythm' and enjoyed helping run the house.

it's also made me miss home and really reflect and appreciate the luxuries i've lived with.

when i decided to stay until december my mom began packing a few boxes full of my winter clothes (what little of it i have since i'm from texas!),

and so i've been as warm as i can possibly get (thanks momma!)

yesterday i went to pull on a sweater she sent and as i slid it over my head i smelt home.

suddenly i was tearing up and wanted so badly to be back in tomball.

i smelled some of my other clothes and sure enough they smelled like home laundry.

that got me wondering if i've taken on a new smell here.

i wonder if i pick up scents from everywhere i've been,

and how long it will take after i'm home to regain the smell.

debbie and andrew return home this afternoon and i've got no idea where i'll go next.

shannon is back over in the states until mid-november but has offered to let me use her flat while she's away.

i've still got more places to see too-more communities in london, friends in bath, manchester, and of course there's ireland.

today is october 1 and i'm already listening to christmas music.

i love the holidays, the fall, and the cold...

but for right now, i think i need another blanket and another cup of hot chocolate!

'safe space' blessing

2008-09-30T07:50:00.001-07:00

while i was in telford, england a few weeks ago i got the chance to create a meditation for the 'safe space' thursday night gathering.

since part of the world is presently celebrating ramadan, i thought it would be neat to take a deeper look into the practice for new insight and experience.

conveniently we ate dinner after dark since the ramadan feasting wouldn't have started until 7:23pm-'when the white thread becomes distinct from the black thread'.

this is the blessing that came from that meditation.

blessings on us as we stand on scorched ground,

surrounded by blazing fire & intense heat-

looking into the darkness...and waiting.

blessings on us as we pursue patience, sacrifice & humility-

purifying ourselves of the past...

and looking onward to the future.

blessing on us as we share a meal with family and with the rest of humanity-

people who are searching, and yearning, and seeking just like those of us here.

blessings on us as we breathe in peace

and as we exhale calm.

let us remember those in need, those hurting, and those who go unnoticed.

let us remember that we have entered into a safe space,

that we are loved,

and perhaps above all-

we are blessed.

amen.

ryan & i

2008-09-24T02:43:00.000-07:00

so after 3 months spent apart thus far, ryan and i have decided to give 'us' another go.

i think that many people in their early twenties undergo their first experience of 'dying to self' or as i like to call it, 'undoing'.

ryan and i just happened to go through that process together.

i think it made us both a little crazy (or maybe that was just me!),

and rather than being puzzle pieces that are able to help and heal each other...

we started to do more damage than good.

the best thing ryan ever did for us was to finally say enough is enough after two years of dating.

that was a week before i left on this trip and one of the most painful experiences i have ever gone through...even thinking about it now makes my eyes tear up.

but instead of giving into the temptation to pendulum swing over to extreme independence, withdrawal, and the ugliness that characterizes many young breakups,

we chose to give each other time, stay connected, reach out to those around us that could help, and were vulnerable.

i kept thinking that elizabeth gilbert was right,

that soul mates aren't meant to last forever...

that it's too painful,

that they reveal layers of us,

that they tear apart our egos,

show our obstacles and addictions,

break our hearts so new light can get in,

make us so desperate and out of control that we have to transform our lives,

and then they leave.

but maybe she was wrong.

maybe sometimes they can come back.

maybe it is possible to live with a soul mate forever.

we're going to give it a try and see what happens.

i've still got another 2 and 1/2 months overseas.

we've both got plenty more learning & growing to do,

and even though i'd like to be home with him, with my family & friends,

i know deep down that this journey isn't over for me yet.

but today is a good day.

a day full of hope and new chances.

a day to be thankful for.

the broken blessing

2008-09-24T01:53:00.000-07:00

most of you know my friend jonny baker who published the 'book of blessings' from wellspring in tomball, texas.

last week his son harry did an improvised blessing for the grace

worship gathering in london.

they also had this table (pictured above) created from broken pieces.

lovely. enjoy.

'May we be blessed.

As we look to the year ahead, and the year gone by.

As we return to our schools and workplaces and find New rocks and New brambles.

May you be blessed as you engage with others,

as you find the time to participate and give others the chance to do the same.

May you have the courage to create and take risks,

and may you find your rest in God.

May you be blessed, as you show your weaknesses and accept God's Grace.

May others see that you are fragile that they might join in your fragility.

May our broken edges fit together to become one body.

As Christ kept the holes in his hands and feet having rose from the dead,

may we keep our wounds even after we have healed.

May you be blessed as you are healed by Christ's own wounds.

May you become broken in order to become whole.

May you become whole by knowing you are broken.

May you remember your wounds and embrace your hurt.

May you go into the places that scare you.

May you deal with anger and with sadness

And may God be with you all the way.

May you be blessed, that you are perfect in your imperfections -

as you are forgiven, but never forgotten.

May you be blessed, as you are accepted as you are.

As you are broken.

As you are wounded.

As you are hurt.

As you are loved.

Amen.'

-harry baker

it's cold over here.

2008-09-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

my friend mark topping sent me some of these lyrics this week. a bit of fun for my english friends and texan friends back home!

'well when you're down on your luck and you ain't got a buck

in london you're a goner,

even london bridge has fallen down and moved to arizona.

now i know why and i'll substantiate the rumor that the english sense of humor

is drier than the texas sand.

you can put up your dukes or you can bet your boots but i'm leavin' as fast as i can.

i want to go home with the armadillo good country music from amarillo and abilene,

the friendliest people and the prettiest women you've ever seen.

well it's cold over here.

lord i swear i wish they'd turn the heat on.

and where in the world is that english girl i promised i would meet on the third floor,

and of the whole damn lot the only friend i got is a smoke and a cheap guitar.

my mind keeps rollin' and my heart keeps yearnin' to be home in texas bar.

i want to go home with the armadillo...

well i decided that i'd get my cowboy hat and go down to marble arch station,

'cause when a texas fancies he'll take his chances,

chances will be taken that's for sure.

and them limey eyes, they were eyin' the prize some people call manly footwear,

and they said you're from down south and when you open your mouth,

son you always seem to put your foot there.

i want to go home with armadilla...

-jerry jeff walker

day 68

2008-09-18T18:23:00.001-07:00

there are some days while i'm traveling when i realize just how much i miss another human's touch.

it's especially noticeable whenever i've got little kids around.

little kids break the barrier.

they aren't afraid to hug, or cuddle, or climb all over you.

i have been away from my family for 68 days now.

most of those 68 days i have gone completely without the touch of another person, and those add up.

handshakes are more normal,

and hugs are rare.

it makes me really not take for granted the times my family hugged and held a little bit longer than normal,

or when i had someone hold my hand or even a playful punch in the shoulder.

it makes me sad...

and lonely.

but it also shows me what kind of person i want to be,

and that gives me hope.

i want to be someone who doesn't hesitate to reach out and break the space barrier with those around me.

i want to be someone who never takes for granted those special moments when i'm lucky enough to have someone else reach out and physically connect with me.

i want to be different,

and somehow,

i think i will be.

to travel light.

2008-09-18T03:21:00.002-07:00

'if you wish to travel afar and fast, travel light.

take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears.'

-cesare pavese; italian poet

mother nature

2008-09-16T03:28:00.000-07:00

'leisure is a form of silence,

not noiselessness.

it is the silence of contemplation such as occurs when we let our minds rest on a

rosebud,

a child at play,

a divine mystery,

or a waterfall.'

-fulton j. sheen

a few days ago i watched as hurricane ike hurled itself at my home in houston.

so far on this trip i have felt a huge amount of movement internally:

emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually...

but i was thrown off balance by the out-of-control feelings i got

watching that hurricane,

worse than the suffocating feeling i sometimes get right before i travel here alone.

i watched, horrified, as swirls of green, yellow, red, and orange slowly traveled,

and spent hours online clicking the 'refresh' button on weather sites.

i saw friends' statuses on facebook change from humor around the hurricane,

to devastation after when they really wondered whether their friends were alive.

i waited, almost in panic, to hear from my family and friends as the storm passed over the little dot labeled 'houston'.

finally i called home and spoke to a few people and was assured everyone was okay.

it was the first time i've heard their voices in over two months.

i have several friends who have lost absolutely everything.

my father's building in houston-the chase building-had all it's windows blown out.

people are still waiting to have food, baths, and electricity and may be for weeks.

i'm still processing through just how powerful the anxiety of the past few days has affected me,

and even though most of houston still lies in ruin,

i'm just glad the storm has passed and clean up can begin.

two days after watching the hurricane pummel houston,

i went on a day trip with the berry family over to wales to visit a waterfall.

it was breathtaking.

we stood at the bottom of the fall and looked upward,

and then climbed the mountain and were able to look downward.

me, being as stubborn as i am, decided that i need to get a photo going straight down the fall.

this required me to crawl across the fall...

and, being clumsy as well, took a tumble in the chilly waters.

it was hilarious, and i got the shot i wanted once i finally made it to the other side.

she is a funny one, that mother nature.

sometimes we curse the winds and rain,

and other times we stand in awe and reverence of the beauty.

i experienced both of these within days of each other.

i am thankful for both-

thankful that i could be challenged once again for more movement within me,

and thankful that i could see waterfalls-something some people never see in their whole lives.

perhaps it's true, that to the depth we feel pain is to the height we feel joy:

'who do you think 'spoke and it happened'?

it's the master who gives such orders.

doesn't the high God speak everything,

good things and hard things alike, into being?

and why would anyone gifted with life complain?'

-lamentations 3:37-39

9.9.08

2008-09-09T11:52:00.000-07:00

my friend shannon sent me this message today as we discussed my staying overseas:

'there is an odd space on the day we choose to not return and to stay...

but i pray in this space great hope and excitement about peace.'

and then in another message:

'...what happens when people that come over leave their ticket...

and every one of us talks about what happens when we really abandoned ourselves to the journey.

be in it today.'

day 59

2008-09-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

today is the day that i was originally scheduled to go home.

instead, i've got another 3 months stay across the wide atlantic ocean.

really today is just like any other day,

but i guess in some ways it shows the second half of this journey.

it shows a commitment to staying...

and a commitment to trust that i can make it over here on my own.

i've not only got to trust myself,

but also the people around me and in the big G-O-D 'up there'.

that kind of trust is a difficult thing for me...

but i have a feeling it will be alright.

it's also hard not to wonder what life would have been like if i had returned.

there are people that i was so looking forward to seeing,

and now there's another 90 days before i see their shining faces.

the weather has turned cold here...and rainy...

autumn is definitely here,

and it will definitely be colder when i head back up to the orkney island in two weeks.

so far i've done some really great things-

i've got to see a real, live english football game!

it was the local telford united team and was great fun.

i got to visit warwick castle,

and i got to eat one of the local popular foods: an indian balti!

in addition to doing, i've met some great people.

mark's group that meets at his house on thursday night, safe space,

are an interesting bunch.

they come from all different faith backgrounds:

charismatic, traditional, no faith at all...

the charismatic is the furthest from where i've come in my own journey.

we've had lots of conversations about

the group partners in harvest,

the toronto airport fellowship,

the todd bentley scandal in florida,

and what the 'gifts of the spirit' actually are.

they have been fun conversations and some intense conversations.

those topics are ones that were far away from my very baptist university,

and the people who i've met have had some great experiences and stories...

and some really painful ones.

it has been interesting and i am being stretched by the worlds outside of my own.

on sunday i got to visit one of these charismatic churches.

it was...different.

it wasn't nearly as wild as i imagined it would be,

but i'm proud to say i ventured out there.

no one tried to cast a demon out of me,

no one decided i need healing or 'deliverance',

and other than a bit of shaking and yelling out...

it was a fairly normal service.

i'm glad i'm able to touch on these parts of the world and meet these really great people.

i can only imagine what kind of interesting things await me in the next 3 months...

even if i still am still a bit sad to not be on a plane right now headed back to texas.

the blessing.

2008-09-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

the lovely jenny baker helped get the greenbelt blessing put on the actual greenbelt website...

it's in the right column with the quote from o'donahue.

you can check it out here

a safe space

2008-09-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

i'm in telford, england now with mark berry's family and the safe space space community.

i've already picked a word for them, and it's

COMFORTABLE.

i think part of my comfort is the fact that i met mark berry two years ago and we've stayed in pretty good contact.

another part is that i've got my own room with a large double bed! hooray!

the room is full of neutral colors and just oozes peace.

they're also a family that really reminds me of my own.

today i went shopping with mark's wife-louisa-and the supermarket really resembled the ones back in the states and i suddenly found myself really missing shopping with my own mother.

kinda made me homesick a bit.

mark and louisa are a lovely couple and they have an adorable (and energetic) four year old named nathan (or 'natty' as they call him).

today i got to meet one of the families that journeys with 'safe space'...

they are actually leaders in another church that is much more charismatic than the meditative safe space.

i got to hear some of their journey this afternoon and really enjoyed getting to hear where they've come...the families' journey is drastically different from my own, but i was put at ease very quickly by their kind and inviting manner.

tomorrow we'll head off to wales or the peak district (yay jane austen!)

i really am loving it here in telford.

i suppose deciding to stay on these next couple of months made me realize just how much i've been running myself exhausted by all the experiences i've had thus far,

and it will be nice to be in a place i can rest.

in a week or two i'll head back up to the orkney island to take care of andrew jones' kiddos while he and his wife debbie are away.

it's already cold here...and rainy, of course.

makes me kind of miss the hot texas days,

but who can beat london in the autumn and winter?

perhaps another cup of warm tea will do the trick...

greenbelt blessing

2008-08-28T03:59:00.000-07:00

'it is a very cool thing, a blessing.

it has a democracy and equality in it,

a sense of intention and well-wishing that is concerned more with the destiny of someone rather than their destination.'

-john o'donahue

this blessing was written during the greenbelt festival at the proost lounge on saturday august 23 at 8pm.

the blessing was read over the crowd at the end of the proost session and this is what i said preceding the blessing:

'i come from houston, texas and a community called wellspring who i write blessings for each sunday.

they are a reflection of our discussions and dialogue and are read at the close of our services.

this past year we lost a great man that i never got to meet.

john o'donahue.

he is a man that truly understood what a blessing is and so i'd like to read this blessing in memory of him.

now, if you'd give me permission, i'd like to ask all of you to close your eyes and allow me to bless all of you as we close.'

*the theme for greenbelt this year was 'rising sun' and the colors were orange, yellow, and red.

blessings on you who have entered this space-

who have traveled far and near to be in this space.

let your soul sigh in this space.

let yourself be undone in this space.

let yourself feel the love that surrounds, and permeates, and brings this space together.

breathe it in and let it wash over you.

for some, this marks the beginning.

the beginning of a new year,

a new song,

a new season.

for others it is a close, an end, a period at the end of a chapter.

hopes have been sparked here.

dreams have begun here.

revolutions and relationships have arisen here.

and as a phoenix, we will descend in all the glorious shades of red, and orange, and yellow.

this time together...

this space together...

this experience together...

we will take deep, deep down into our bellies

where a fire will burn that will take us through the next year.

until we meet again we will carry within us memories that will never leave us.

embrace what is left in this space,

and in this time soak up all that you can,

and be sent out knowing that you are loved and you are blessed.

the journey continues

2008-08-27T01:21:00.001-07:00

right now i'm in the car with shannon hopkins and jonny baker baker and we're driving to bath to visit with jon birch. these three have got some work to do on proost and so, despite just coming back from greenbelt, we're on our way at 8am.

one of the places i wanted to see outside of the stops on 'tessera' or the training trail i'm on was bath. luckily, one of the proost publishers jon birch lives there.

when i found that out i thought i might have to skip bath because of who i pictured jon birch to be-his asbo jesus website seems a bit harsh and critical. i guess i just assumed jon birch would be just that, but instead he's kind and hilarious.

so, here we are...and i get to see the home of jane austen.

i suppose it's time to be clear about why i want to stay in europe for the next couple of months and i think i need to tell most of the greenbelt festival story.

this will require this post to be rather long, so bear with me.

when i arrived at the feig feast on thursday night and then the first day of greenbelt i was self-conscious, embarrassed by my blessings, and kind of cowered when i came around all these people i was star-struck by.

it's not that i wasn't proud of wellspring or the fact that i can string together lines to create a blessing, but i guess i just didn't seem them as a big deal.

one of the first things that happened was john o'donahue.

well, he didn't happen-unfortunately he passed away this past january.

he's a past greenbelter and so greenbelt did an article on who he was in their 'big book'. they publish the book to help us newbies find our way around the madness that is the greenbelt festival.

o'donahue's newest book is titled benedictus: a book of blessings

ironic.

i need to track down that 'big book' so i could tell you exactly what it said, but all in all, the man nails what a blessing is and says it much more eloquently than i do.

i wish he had been alive so i could have sat him down.

i think we would have had things to discuss.

and when i said in my last post that i felt validated more than ever in my life, that needs some explanation too.

i suppose that the parts of me that felt they needed to cower or to be embarrassed were extricated from their hiding place.

i was forced to face what i've done and realize that it is good.

the first night there i sat in an interview with proost and got a chance to explain where the blessings have come from and why they're written.

people sat around in a dimly lit meeting room, sitting on huge pillows with jonny baker's son, joel, DJing.

the whole thing was really groovy and i felt my cool factor rising.

(just kidding)

it was a hard thing, to read those blessings out loud.

mostly because i was afraid people wouldn't get it.

those blessings were written for a people in a community from their discussions and their feelings. they are wellspring. how could i expect anyone to understand?

(which, kind of seems like many of the stories from the bible-perhaps some things just can't translate)

but there were people that loved the blessings regardless and went out right away and bought the book-that makes me blush.

the next couple of days i spent working the proost stand-selling people the database and selling myself. i was forced to tell people why they should invest in proost, and i guess why they should invest in me. it's a funny thing.

on saturday night was the proost lounge-several people on the proost label sang, DJed, read from their books...

and at the end i read a blessing.

before greenbelt started i asked shannon whether greenbelt was the end of her year or the beginning of her new year.

she said it was the end of her year.

in the blessing i wrote of how to some greenbelt is the beginning and to some it is the end (among other things)

but at the end people really got what a blessing could be.

so many people helped me see how interesting a blessing is in literature and just how profound it really can be, especially if you do what i did before i read it out loud-i asked permission to give it.

people found that interesting, that i should ask for their permission.

there's much more to say about blessings,

but i need to get on with the story.

the last night of greenbelt shannon, her friend shelton green who attended and stayed with us, jeff waldo from houston, and i all went to friday's for dinner.

i was in need of some american food and was starting to miss home.

during the festival i had tried an english pie (lots of meat and potatoes), a pork and apple chutney burger (andrew jones' favorite and one of the reasons he keeps attending greenbelt) along with lots of other foods and i just needed some chicken tenders and honey mustard.

that night i was in the shower (my favorite place) and i found myself in an almost out of body experience...i have been watching myself go through this whole trip.

i suddenly realized that i liked myself and wanted to be me (an interesting thought that some people might not understand),

but more than anything i saw that my life is 'big'.

if you've been following along you may have heard me speak of other people i know in this manner-other people that i think have 'big lives'. who do great things, are making an impact, who are changing the world, and people i want to be like or at least resemble. not as a way of not being myself, but in the realization that i want some of what they've got.

i hope that makes sense.

so anyway, in the shower i realized that i have a big life.

i have talent, i have ability, i have things i want to do and i can do them without fear.

i realized how much my posture had changed throughout the weekend.

i had been massaged into a posture of confidence and love for myself and what i do.

in that exact same moment two other things happened:

1) i realized that i didn't have to use my relationship with ryan to define who i am/was.

i think over the past two years i've been allowing my relationship with him to help identify who i am and validate who i am. when i realized my life had become big, i was able to let the hold i had on ryan and our relationship go...which led to the second thing:

2) instead of needing ryan i am able to love him for who he is and not what he can do for me. i can choose him and love him without needing him the way i desperately did.

he and i have stayed in communication and have many more conversations and growth to go, but i was able to see all of these things in one moment...

and i cried,

but i wasn't on the bathtub floor being washed clean anymore.

it was different and inside i feel different.

in addition to all these realizations, i saw that i need to tell this story of my journey but more i need to tell the stories of all these places i've been.

not as some kind of a documentary or text book,

but as a story of connection and family.

i want to tell shannon's story.

i want to tell wellspring and harbor and our friends in houston's story.

i want to tell as many of the places i've been stories', but with permission and humility,

but i want it to be my story too.

i want to tell the stories of these people who have validated me in the past,

and now in this new place like at greenbelt,

but from the beginning with wellspring church when the beautiful ken shuman gave me an 'internship' and when i met ryan and harbor and they allowed me to tell my story.

i want to tell it from the start and i know i need a couple more months to visit some more places so it can feel finished (if it ever does).

we'll see how all that works out, but it feels as though i have a mission i need to accomplish.

it may not be a book and something else may come,

but that's all i've got for right now.

i just know i need to write all this down.

sitting in greenbelt it felt as though there is revolution within the 'emerging-missional' revolution that is coming and it has something to do with my generation or the generations close to mine.

more things are changing and need to change.

i dunno, i just feel it.

pete rollins in some of his lectures used the term 'retroactive thinking':

it's thinking backwards.

the examples he gave are like a parent who, before having children thinks 'sure, maybe i'd like to have kids. whatever', but then once they have a child they realized that they don't know how they lived without that child.

the same is with people in love-they don't know how they survived without their partner but once they meet them it's as if their presence existed eternally.

pete rollins started his community out of a response or a need.

that's why i wrote the blessings,

and why i want to write this book.

i'll find the reasons and justifications and the beautiful eloquence of explaining it later.

right now i just need to get all of this out of my head and my heart.

i need to vomit it up and making sense of it will come later.

i just need it out of me.

so maybe that explains some more of why i think i should stay across the pond a big longer.

i need to email people and probably do some more explaining.

i don't want people to feel abandoned, or alone, or as if i'm never coming home...

because believe me, houston is home.

i can't stay here forever, but a couple more months already feels like they will fly by.

if i was to go home, i'd probably get a job to bide time until i figure out what i'm going to do since this training trail,

so instead i figure i'll just stay here.

there are jobs and money i can make.

writing and advertising for proost and shannon's got some 'sweet notions' shows she needs help with (she's working with a couple huge companies)

and i've lived off of $1,000 or 500 pounds...so surviving is becoming easier. (i'm learning to budget dad! you should be so proud!)

so i know i can survive and last a few more months,

but i miss home.

i miss the people that make houston home.

but i hope this really does clear some things up...

we'll see.

the festival

2008-08-25T18:01:00.000-07:00

so tonight was the last night of the greenbelt festival, and i literally feel like my brain is going to explode.

i have WAY too much thinking and feeling going on but it has been amazing.

i've gotten to walk in the shadows of people like shannon hopkins and andrew jones, and in the process i've met amazing people that are really in the middle of this whole 'emerging-missional church' conversation.

i've had to pinch myself. it's kind of an out of body experience and i'm kind of jealous of myself.

i met brian mclaren (people over here in the UK don't really think he's all that great, but i almost fell over myself)

and pete rollins (who literally changed my life every time he opened his mouth) invited me to come and visit his community in northern ireland.

we walked around in mud and with thousands of people.

i read a blessing over a large group of people and had several folks come up to me throughout the rest of the weekend and tell me how great it was and even bought the book.

i've learned more about why i write blessings and what they mean just by having people mirror back to me who i am.

i've been validated, encouraged and invited more than ever in my life.

i've sung hymns and carols in the organic beer tent with a bunch of christians and wondered why the hell america would never fit with this kind of amazing, intimate community.

i've laughed hard and been totally exhausted.

i've had great conversations with brilliant thinkers and random waitresses that have helped changed my life.

so much of this will have to be processed throughout the next couple months...

i've been invited to stay here until december or the new year.

i think i might just do it.

holy shit. what an amazing weekend.

glocouster cathedral

2008-08-22T00:34:00.000-07:00

last night i attended the 'feig feast'.

it was the opening event for a group of about 80 people that are doing new and different things within the church.

they intentionally meet a couple times a year and meeting up before greenbelt worked out for most people, so why not do it with a community that gathers in a cathedral?

it was lovely.

the cathedral is immense, was dark and lit by candles, and smelled of faint incense. plus, it just so happens to be one of the filming locations for harry potter.

the food was also great but getting to see old friends like mark berry and meet new ones like jonny baker was even better.

around 10pm the community that meets in the cathedral, feig, invited everyone into a part of the cathedral that had a labyrinth set up with candles which they accompanied by some hand drums and other beautiful instruments i've never seen or heard before.

before we began the labyrinth, one of their leaders said something to this affect to us:

'be aware of your breathing and find your inner rhythm.

place your two hands up on your heart and feel your heartbeat.

before stepping into the labyrinth, pause before you enter as though you are pausing before you enter space with God.'

we all took our shoes off and spent time in silence walking the labyrinth.

now, i have done a few labyrinths before but none that touched me like this one.

i found myself at first afraid to enter...

who can prepare themselves to enter space with God?

but i did.

i traveled through the maze with about 30 other people.

sometimes i had to slow down because someone up ahead had stopped.

sometimes i had to step out of my path completely so that i could avoid running into others coming from the other directions.

sometimes it was like a dance and i avoided other people coming toward me with grace and allowing them the room to pass.

other times i would fumble around or someone else would bump into me.

sometimes i was close enough to smell the stranger next to me.

other times i became totally aware of someone coming close behind me and would suddenly become alarmed that i was going too slow and had to resist the urge to speed up.

sometimes as i walked around the rings i would notice the same patterns of people circling with me and felt better that someone, though a stranger, was traveling with me.

sometimes i would get lost in all the lines or someone would step across my path and i would panic wondering if i had somehow lost my way.

sometimes you traveled the labyrinth without seeing anyone in your peripheral vision.

sometimes the path was more lit than in other places.

sometimes i could feel the rhythm of the drums and the rhythm of my steps in sync,

and other times they were not.

and then there came the time that you finally made it through the maze and entered into the center of the labyrinth-

i found myself resisting it when it was time for me to enter the middle...

'no! i'm not ready yet!'

but i entered anyway and stayed in the middle for awhile,

just closing me eyes and trying to settle myself in.

after leaving the center you don't just head out of the labyrinth...

no, you go through the whole process again.

first you work your way into the center,

then you work your way back out.

the same anxiety happened when i realized i was about to exit the labyrinth-

'no...i'm just not ready yet'.

it was an amazing analogy to the 'undoing and putting back together' process that i've been going through and also for my image of community as well.

and even though it was truly just a big sheet with beautiful lines printed on it...

it was still a powerful moment for me.

did i mention it was in a cathedral in england?

last night i stayed in shannon's friend's flat.

(i know, i should be out camping but it's supposed to rain all week and i really do enjoy showering)

so we'll be here and traveling back and forth to greenbelt.

tonight i'll actually be speaking about 'a book of blessings' that wellspring and i produced and i'll do a little reading from it.

i think i'll probably be nervous and embarrassed, but right now i'm just so damn excited that i'll be attending greenbelt!

days 30-37

2008-08-21T01:13:00.000-07:00

today i head over to the greenbelt festival!

i have been super excited about this part of the trip-

i'm excited to simply attend a festival (i've never been to one),

to see my friends that travel from all over europe and the US,

to hear interesting people speak,

hear some new music,

and, of course, to see wellspring's book!

i was sad to leave orkney though.

i think scotland has a little piece of my heart now...

that place is breathtakingly beautiful.

i'm trying to keep up with my pictures uploading though i've fallen behind.

you can see most of them here on my flickr .

in continued fashion, i think i would choose

RHYTHM

for orkney's word...as many others have done before me.

my friend mark berry can tell you much more eloquently why that word sticks out for orkney-

the island is surrounded by the tide which has its own daily rhythm,

but then the people there do too.

the island is small and people do things their way...

they even have a fabled 'sing-song' way of speaking that few foreigners get to hear.

and of course the jones' have their own rhythm...

with 7 people living in a 3 bedroom house

(excluding guests like myself)

you learn quickly how to survive and how to be a part of such a fun, boisterous group.

i loved it there, and i loved them.

they have 5 great kids-

sam is the only son and is the oldest.

he's finishing up with his high school levels and is contemplating what step to take next.

he wants to work with theatre, and believe me, the kid is good.

then there are the two oldest daughters-elizabeth and abigail.

they are both in their early-mid teens and are great girls.

i enjoyed sitting around talking with them and being shown the city through their eyes.

and then there are the two little girls-

hannah and tamar.

hannah works on her own rhythm-every once in awhile she'll steal away from the family and spend time throughout the town...

the family has a history of contracting head lice because hannah makes friends with everybody.

and i love her for that.

(i was lucky enough to get away without the lice)

and then that leaves tamar:

she has recently turned 6 and makes sure everyone knows it.

i think i like her best because she asks the 'why' questions that i so often do and get teased about.

i loved sitting with her and entertaining all the questions she had...

and of course, everyday there was a new 'what is your favorite ____?' question.

i loved those questions:

what is your favorite color?

thing to do?

book?

movie?

it was great fun being with all of them.

i also enjoyed their mum, debbie.

she has recently begun a new family venture called the sorting room.

she is a great potter and does lovely work.

i loved just watching her throw a pot of clay or hearing her talk about just how alike we are to 'pots of clay' as the bible describes.

she said that each piece of clay is different from the others and you really have to be aware of that when working with it. the move of each hand seemed both graceful and in careful mastery over the clay and i can see just how poetic it all is on such a grander scale.

i also got to spend time with the tallskinnykiwi!

i had given up thinking about 'emergent' and 'emerging' before i headed out on this journey.

i was ready to be done with all that, but andrew jones relit a fire and introduced me to some great thinkers.

i had a good time just sitting around with him in their kitchen as day turned to dusk as we talked about life and spirituality.

there was also another american girl there named jenna.

she also has short hair and is on her own journey.

she's just turned 20 and is trying to figure out just what she wants to do with herself.

i enjoyed sharing a room with her and was stretched by the presence of another young american traveling a similar journey.

funny how we can work things out in ourselves with just the smallest of encounters.

i do think, however, that i need to add another word to orkney, and it is:

PILGRIMAGE.

that place took me three days to get there the first time and a full 24 hours of arduous journey to get back down to london.

it will always be one of the hardest trips i ever embarked upon,

but also one of the most worthwhile.

i know i will continue to process as i've done with each group and i will continue to realize more and more about what i learned, but that is just a taste of what life was like with the amazing jones family.

right now i'm working on finishing some projects for shannon before we head out to greenbelt,

and i will try diligently to blog while i'm there!

tonight is the feig feast...

tonight is the night before the festival actually starts so everyone that is coming to set-up, or speak, or is doing something new in church life is welcome to join.

we're going to have a big dinner in an old cathedral

and my favorite line on their email was:

'what to bring: if you can stretch to it, a bottle of wine to keep stocks at the levels our Lord would expect'

i think that's hilarious and i am super excited to be a fly on the wall around all these great people! wish me luck!

back in london

2008-08-20T02:28:00.000-07:00

yesterday at 5am i boarded a ferry,
then i had two bus rides (one was an overnighter),
and at 7am this morning i arrived back in london.
but, of course, i got myself lost around london and with everything that could possibly go wrong...going wrong...i finally got to shannon's at around 9am in one piece.
i know i haven't blogged in awhile, mostly because my trip to orkney was so huge,
but i promise to write more later.
it was a great trip,
but i am so ready to climb in bed.
tomorrow: greenbelt!

24 years

2008-08-13T03:44:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was one filled with travel!

on saturday i left my friends in prague and began the looong pilgrimage to the orkney island north of scotland.

on saturday i had two flights-

prague to london,

and london to glasgow, scotland.

in glasgow i met up with my friend shannon and got treated to a great stay in a hotel.

she had a ticket to the fringe festival in the evening i arrived and i really enjoyed just getting to take a long, hot back and relax a bit.

on sunday shannon and i spent the day processing and working through this past month along with some anxiety i've been dealing with (more on that later) and she helped me get the rest of my trip sorted.

i'm certainly getting better on getting my travel stuff together, but the travel to orkney is unique and i was so thankful to have her help me navigate it.

later sunday evening shannon took off back to london and i began the bus ride up to inverness where i stayed in a hostel for the evening.

now, hostels in the UK are totally different than the states.

it was clean, there were young people everywhere, and very safe.

the only downer was the snoring going on in my room.

other than that, it went well and cheaply (the best part).

when i woke, i instantly began thinking through the things i needed to do before my next bus ride but suddenly remembered...TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. and i smiled.

after checking out of the hostel i bought myself some food for the day and began the short walk over to the bus station where i had come the night before.

on the way i asked a woman whether i was headed in the right direction, she told me to just follow her...she was on her way there too.

we chatted on the way and finally made it to the bus station where i went inside and had a seat.

i was feeling kind of lonely and it was nice to have had some audible conversation with another human.

after buying her ticket, this lovely woman came back over to me and asked when my bus would be leaving-i told her not for another hour and half so she invited me to come join her for tea with her friend at a cafe right next door that is run by special needs people.

of course i joined her and she was lovely enough to buy me tea for my birthday.

i almost cried.

shannon had told me that she hoped God would do something special for my birthday and in the back of my mind i wondered how that could happen in a hostel but thought maybe the view from my bus would be my treat,

but of course, God gave me lee and her friend mary to sit and chat with.

they had great stories to tell and i was so very, very thankful for the encounter.

the rest of the day was spent on the bus and then a ferry boat ride across to the orkney island.

i also got plenty of facebook posts, emails, and e-cards wishing me a happy birthday and although i couldn't be there with my family or friends, i was still gifted with some great presents orchestrated for me.

yesterday mr. andrew jones, who is indeed a tallskinnykiwi, took myself, jenna (another american visitor from the states) and two of his daughters out to check out the island.

i've got to tell you, i think orkney is the most beautiful place i have EVER been.

(click on the picture above to see a much bigger photo)

i no longer wonder why in the world they live so far away.

today i'm working on some projects for andrew and shannon along with just enjoying the chilly weather (it's 55 degrees here at noon) and the great company with their 5 children hanging around.

yes, happy happy happy birthday to me.

big girl

2008-08-09T03:03:00.001-07:00

a quick word on growing up:

i am learning that nothing quite makes a person grow up like sending them to another continent and telling them to figure it out.

you are forced to ask for help.

you are forced to rely on yourself and on whatever resources you can conjure up.

you are forced to find your way from A to B

and to stay alive.

you are forced to create budgets and schedules and to plan, plan, plan-

and to soak in every damn moment because soon it will be gone.

i don't know that there is anything quite like it.

in addition to this, you learn so many things about yourself.

you suddenly become aware of fears you never knew you had,

of thoughts that fly around,

of every aching muscle from carrying the weight of travel on your back,

of all the people that you miss and wish you hadn't taken for granted.

so, i want to say thank you to my parents for allowing me to take this trip.

i know that i have written quite a bit on my parents here on this blog...

i have analyzed, judged, and written without censure about them.

part of growing up is admitting when you get it wrong,

and i need to apologize to both of them for not giving them enough credit.

they did the best they could...

and i hope they did alright with me.

i think they did.

i have never said thank you enough to them.

i am lucky enough to have two parents that actually love me...

and i'm starting to think that isn't as common as i naively believed.

and so, to mom and dad...

i'm sorry.

i love you.

thank you.

prague

2008-08-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking of what word i would have called germany.

of course 'EFFICIENCY' would have been the stereotypical answer and i think that's true for most of germany...

but for my friends at kubic, i choose

COMMITTED.

i explained most of it in my last blog,

but that group of people really is committed to the best of things...

each other, God, the future. all of it;

and they are open-minded and willing to try and listen.

i've been in prague for 4 days now and on saturday i will head back to the UK.

my trip up to orkney will be a pilgrimage in itself:

two flights, a train, and a ferry just to get to the jones' home.

oh, and it's going to be 55 degrees there...pretty chilly.

prague has been an interesting place.

my first day here was spent helping move an office.

there is nothing like physical labor to get a person out of their own head.

you focus on the flex and strain of every muscle rather than the swirling in your head.

i'm grateful for that.

the people i am staying with are great-

sasa has been working for 10 years now on translating the bible into modern day czech (their last translation is around 50 years old)

he's done it piece by piece and in a few months they will be done with the entire thing.

here you can watch a documentary that was done on the project.

i have learned a lot by sharing theology with him-

i haven't talked theology in awhile.

i kinda felt like i was back in school!

he and katka have four kiddos, two of which are adorable little boys who keep asking their mommy 'what is that girl saaaying'.

they are cute and shy.

their daughters are 18 and 15 and are out of town so i haven't gotten to spend any time with them.

more than theology, i've had conversations about politics and history.

i have learned more about communism and eastern europe in 4 days than i did in high school.

if i had to choose a political stance i would call it 'juli socialism':

i want people to want to love and give to one another.

sigh. i am an idealist.

and sitting back in my sociology classes i thought that marx was a pretty smart guy,

but being here i'm thinking again.

you can see the remains of communism here.

people are detached and there is this undercurrent i feel of anger and bitterness.

around 2/3 of the population is atheist,

and if i had to pick a word for prague it would be

RESIGNED.

these people have had catholicism, protestantism, communism, etc. all shoved down their throats and they've been told they better like it, or else.

and i think they're just...tired.

you can still see bombed buildings and bullet holes.

and yet the people i'm staying with are extraordinarily optimistic.

their 'community' (if you could call it that) is comprised of individuals that only have one scheduled meeting a month in an art gallery.

other than that, they hang out whenever events arise: birthdays, parties, bbq's.

but it's a different place here and intimacy is a rarity.

i feel honored just to have been let into these people's homes and into their stories.

and i am falling in love with this sad city.

the architecture, i'm told, is some of the best in the world and i believe it.

i have loved photographing prague and i will be sad to leave.

in addition, most of my anxiety about traveling alone is beginning to recede.

for awhile there i thought i was going to have a full-blown panic attack and i've been unable to sleep right before i travel to a new city,

but several times now i've gone out and done things on my own.

and i haven't gotten lost once!!!

i am usually so very directionally challenged,

and so i'm proud of myself.

i really do feel like i'm turning into a big girl.

and it's hard to believe i've been overseas a month...

and still one more month to go.

germany

2008-08-05T00:49:00.000-07:00

days 20-22 were spent with my friends from the kubic community in karlsuhe, germany.

i am so thankful to johannes for opening up his flat to me and getting me connected and involved with all the neat things going on in karlsuhe.

i met most of the kubic fellows two years ago whenever this 'training trail' that i'm on first began being formed.

i'm pretty sure the first time we met they hated me because i always told them to smile,

they never smiled...because their german.

(just kidding)

but now we're great friends and i got to make some new friends as well.

as an update, for those of you who met the germans,

dennis and his fiance mirjam will be married in two weeks!

in addition to them i got to see daniel, his wife and his two little kiddos.

i didn't get to see bjorn or mark r. but heard they are doing well.

so, on friday i arrived and johannes took me to meet yet some more kubic guys (i was beginning to think they only had men in their community-ha!)

we got into some great conversations...

kubic is different than any of the communities i've gotten a chance to visit-

there are aspects of their church that i have only heard about in fairy tales...

they really do use the gifts:

some speak in tongues (johannes was brought up in a charismatic pentecostal church),

for a time they actually had a part of their service dedicated to prophecy (which seemed kind of like a time for encouragement but goes a step further), and now they are making the move to be a pastorless/leaderless church,

but if you asked mark reichman, he would probably say they've always been leaderless.

i asked johannes what 'kubic' meant and he said it's just like our cubic measurements, only not of a room, but the height, depth, and width of God.

i dig that.

they also own a coffee shop/cafe/live entertainment venue called 'nun' which i was told is a poetic form of the word 'now'.

right now is the traveling season for europe and the coffee shop/cafe is having trouble staying open, and so kubic has formed a team of members to decide what the fate of the cafe will be.

they have options-wait out the travel season (there is a place right around the corner that is being built for college kids and would be a perfect audience for nun), or they could sell.

sell to someone that has no affiliation to kubic or perhaps get someone invested in kubic to buy.

they have hard decisions ahead. this seems to be a really interesting time for them, and i can only imagine that it is taking all of their energy to remain engaged.

so friday i met marcus, martin, and grotz for a drink (i tried german beer!), then we took a walk around the city and i actually got a lesson on photography from martin (he is a great photographer).

the next day johannes and i had a great brunch at a very neat little cafe-it reminded me a lot of 'empire cafe' in houston if you know the place.

then we hung out, read magazines and books, and then headed to kamuna!

before we headed to kamuna i tried what johannes considers the most prevalent food for germany at the moment-turkish kebab.

now, when my family made kebab each person got their own metal prong that they stacked their choosing of meats and vegetables on and then it was grilled.

real turkish kebab is that, but is shreds of meat from a huge piece of meat on a spick that is then put into a huge tortilla with veggies or whatever you like. (it's like fogo de chow meets chipotle, again, for those of you from houston)

kamuna is a night in karlsuhe where all the local museums stay open until around 1am for people to come and visit.

we got to see some special art installations and there were tons of people!

we visited two out of the many museums-

one had a 'design+emotion' installation which was great fun,

and then another that is fully art+interaction based.

by the end of the night i was not only physically exhausted from the walking and talking,

but emotionally exhausted from the sensory overload.

on sunday we went to nun for brunch and hung out with some of the kubic gang and then later that night met them for their 'service' as they call it.

their service was in german but johannes was nice enough to paraphrase and translate for me.

each sunday they follow the local lutheran church in their outline-the psalm and the reading for the day. then the group discusses.

from what i understood, these people are really intelligent and thoughtful people.

i'm sure some, just like in most churches, just want to be 'fed' their spirituality, but most of these people really jumped in their and seemed to have great thoughts.

they also spent time in small groups finding out about each other's weeks ahead and how they could really help-not just pray, but really be involved and accessible to the others in the group.

then we went out for drinks with some of the guys again in one of the local 'beer gardens'.

it was delightful.

there are lots of things i think i've learned from this group...

they really are open to conversations from people on the outside.

they are not your stereotypical german group-they don't do everything for the sake of efficiency.

they really want to experience God and not just talk about Him/Her (and that includes getting in on the gifts of the spirit-even if that does freak me out since i've never really seen it...and no, unfortunately there was no prophecy or speaking in tongues while i was there)

they all really want what is best for the group-with the cafe and for the future of their church.

they all seem to want to really be a part of kubic and not rely upon leaderish people like mark to do the work for them, but know that is a really hard process and has its ups and downs along the way.

yeah, i like them.

as johannes said, the one thing that can be understood in spite of language is emotion.

i saw that in the museum of 'design+emotions' when old ladies were shocked at the display of poop or the gnome that was hanging by a noose from the ceiling, then later in the intense conversations around what to do with the cafe-i didn't need to know the exact words, i just knew people were passionate,

and then during the 'service' when daniel's little daughter started laughing because the group was laughing-she didn't know why we were laughing, she just laughed too (it reminded me of little karis at wellspring...and made me miss my own families back home).

all these times, i realized that you don't need to know a language to understand that people feel.

that is beautiful to me.

i'm sure i will think of many more insights that i have gained from this great group of people,

but this is good for now.

today i am in prague after a long 8 hour train ride.

and that story will have to wait until tomorrow.

but i do hope that all my friends in houston are doing well...

it looks like there's another hurricane headed that way and right now it is 3am and i'm sure most of you are fast asleep.

my thoughts are with all of you...be safe.

so very great

2008-08-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

'THE GREAT UNDOING'

that's what i've decided to name what i've been going through over the past year or so...

i've been unraveled by something much bigger than myself.

it has been the scariest most painful time of my life.

i descended into myself and i went down kicking and screaming,

and yes,

i found myself many a time laying in the bottom of the shower.

i definitely did not take my undoing like a champ.

no, i pulled others down with me as i was drowning,

i blamed and sought to make others wrong,

i played the victim,

i hid, withdrew, lashed out, hurt...

and i did it all with the style & grace of someone being driven totally insane.

i became a crazy madwoman and i drove others crazy around me.

'he’d already been watching me fall apart for months now,

watching me behave like a madwoman (we both agreed on that word),

and i only exhausted him.

we both knew there was something wrong with me,

and he’d been losing patience with it.

we’d been fighting and crying,

and we were weary in that way that only a couple whose marriage is collapsing can be weary.

we had the eyes of refugees.'

(eat, pray, love)

yes, i have had the eyes of refugees,

but now something seems to be changing as i've embarked on this journey,

and it's changing in the way that only travel seems to be able to cure.

as my friend johannes said...

i needed to get out of there.

i needed to get up from the bottom of the shower.

and so now i find myself in a new place

(germany, as of today)

it's kind of scary because i don't know how to be.

i've been that crazy madwoman that was grasping for any type of control,

gasping for air and clinging to anything that looked like safety.

so i call this...

'THE GREAT PUTTING BACK TOGETHER'

my body has laid there open and exposed long enough,

and now it's time for this sweater to stop unraveling.

i don't know what you believe about the whole 'dying to yourself' concept,

because for a long time i thought it was...to be frank...a load of shit,

but i think it happens several times throughout life.

this will not be the only time i descend into myself,

the only time i let go of the juli that wasn't really intended,

the only time i experience deep pain that causes massive change.

no, despite my own black-and-white thinking,

i am not so foolish as to believe i am done with this.

i will continue to die to myself,

and maybe next time with a little less struggle.

(just go read fenelon...i can't even begin to quote him)

i'm starting to believe that there really are king's horses & king's men that can put juli back together again.

and it feels a whole lot better.

and he set me on fire, and i am burning alive.
with his breath in my lungs i am coming undone.
and he set me on fire and i am burning alive.
with his breath in my lungs i am coming undone.
and i cannot hold it in
and remain composed.
love's taken over me
so i propose letting myself go.
i am letting myself go.
you are my joy.
you are my joy.
you are my joy.
you are my joy.

-david crowder

how can i be on fire and be coming undone at the same time?

"abba lot went to see abba joseph and said to him,

'abba, as far as i can,

i say my little office,

i fast a little,

i pray and meditate,

i live in peace and as far as i can,

i purify my thoughts.

what else can i do?'

then the old man stood up

and stretched his hands toward heaven.

his fingers became like ten lamps of fire and he said to him,

'if you will, you can become all flame."

yes...i am burning alive.

rest

2008-07-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

'are you tired?

worn out?

burned out on religion?

come to me.

get away with me and you'll recover your life.

i'll show you how to take a real rest.

walk with me and work with me-

watch how i do it.

learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

i won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.

keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.'

i have been so tired from trying.

so worn out on how to figure things out.

burned out on school, on books, on learning about God.

i am so thankful to be on this trip.

so grateful to wake up at 3am and see lightning storms over mountains...

to sit at tables for hours just talking about life...

to work with people that are trying to combine community, faith, work, & art all together...

and allow me to work alongside and learn from them.

i am thankful that i have time to create a new rhythm for my life.

the old one is fading away and it's loss comes over my frozen, exhausted soul like waves of warm water...

and i am being washed clean again.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

best possible place.

2008-07-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

'People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants.

But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back,

the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet,

because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.

But to live with a soul mate forever?

Nah. Too painful.

Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you,

and then they leave.

And thank God for it.

Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over.

David’s purpose was to shake you up,

drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave,

tear apart your ego a little bit,

show you your obstacles and addictions,

break your heart open so new light could get in,

make you so desperate and out of control you had to transform your life...

Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving.

You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken,

but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it-in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace.

Take this time, every minute of it.

Let things work themselves out here...'

-eat, pray, love

13, 14, 15

2008-07-28T04:08:00.000-07:00

this weekend was incredible.

friday we started off with a barbecue...

i even tried ostrich meat!

we watched the sun go down over the cornfields and it was lovely.

on saturday, sam, (the great french women of this house), took me into lausanne and we did some sight-seeing.

i saw cathedrals, ate food from the market and did some window shopping.

(sam has great style)

later than afternoon i watched a great, windy storm roll in over the alps and it was beautiful and electric.

that night a group of us went to a little spanish restaurant (they only have a couple other mexican places, but it seems this is the only spanish one)

which is owned by friends of sam & bryce's so we got special treatment :)

they told me that toward the end of the night women come out and begin flamenco dancing...

now, i love to dance, but flamenco?

we were served 15 different tapas and i was mesmerized by how much food these skinny people can eat.

finally, people did dance, but they were american so it was more entertaining to watch than anything.

eventually sam's friend isabella (well named, this woman is one of the most beautiful spanish women i have ever seen) came over and pulled me on to the dance floor.

soon sam and eventually the boys followed.

we danced well until 1am.

it was fun, being there totally anonymous and able to just dance my little heart out.

of course people were watching from their tables and probably thought, just as i did,

'silly american thinks she can dance',

but dance i did.

finally we got home and despite being sweaty and exhausted we all stayed up to watch a movie.

on sunday we slept in, until noon, and were woken up by my friend justin's amazing piano playing.

i will only be here a few more days, and i'm trying to be as present as i can without missing it already.

i love it here, and i love the people more than i ever thought i would...

and i'm pretty sure they love me too.

my bones

2008-07-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

"On first glance, this seems a nearly impossible task.

Control your thoughts? Instead of the other way around?

But imagine if you could. This is not about repression or denial.

Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring.

What Richard is talking about is instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts,

understanding where they come from and why they arrived,

and then-with great forgiveness and fortitude-dismissing them.

This is a practice that fits hand-in-glove with any psychological work you do during therapy.

You can use the shrink’s office to understand why you have these destructive thoughts in the first place;

you can use spiritual exercises to help overcome them.

It’s a sacrifice to let them go, of course.

It’s a loss of old habits, comforting old grudges and familiar vignettes.

Of course this all takes practice and effort.

It’s not a teaching that you can hear once and then expect to master immediately.

It’s constant vigilance and I want to do it.

I need to do it, for my strength.

Devo farmi le ossa is how they say it in Italian:

‘I need to make my bones’".

-eat, pray, love

repeat.

2008-07-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

i need words

as wide as sky.

i need language large as

the longing inside.

and i need a voice

bigger than mine.

and i need a song to sing you

that i've yet to find.

i need you.

to be here now.

to hear me now.

-david crowder

who i am

2008-07-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

it's weird, being in a new place where no one knows who i am.

i'm able to be the juli i want to be.

i am not covered by anxiety, by pain, by shame.

i am just me and i reveal my story piece by piece,

but mostly i just be.

it is surreal...

sometimes it's as if i'm outside of my body looking in.

i see this happy girl that is carefree, without worry, honest, and spontaneous.

i didn't know this juli existed.

kinda makes me sad that i didn't know she could exist,

and it's hard not to wonder what my life will be like if i choose to go back home to the states.

i'm already forgetting the faces of people back home...

their voices, their smells, their touch.

i wonder if they remember me clearly still,

if they think about me from time to time,

and i wonder if they will recognize me when i get home.

somehow i'm not even sure that i'll recognize myself.

their story

2008-07-24T05:36:00.000-07:00

there are special moments in life when you know why you are exactly where you are.

i just had lunch with sam & bryce and heard part of their story...

on their 3 month honeymoon to the carribean some 10+ years ago they had the 'where do we want to be when we're older' conversation.

they decided they wanted to be right there...right in the carribean.

at one point they went by an island and they both just 'knew' that would be their island one day.

for the next 10 years they joked about the island and went back to visit every couple of years.

on one visit they heard that the land was being sold and that the islanders were getting worried.

their ears perked up and they began having discussions with friends on the island.

finally they heard the story of the island, the land, and its history:

back in the 1800's there was a wealthy white family who still kept slavery going

(it was the last island to give it up)

one day a black, educated preacher arrived and began preaching on the island.

one of the rich, white daughters decided she wanted to hear this man and hid and listened...

eventually they fell in love and disclosed the affair to the family.

they were excommunicated from the strict catholic church and from the family for their intermarriage.

this well-educated black man and his wife eventually bought back some of the land from her siblings and is left it to her 6 children: 3 of which are christians and 3 who are not.

one of them, 'auntie annie', is losing her mind and her ruthless siblings are stealing her land from her for small sums of money.

the island is worth millions, if not more.

finally her only daughter stepped in and took over power of attorney to stop this from happening.

this daughter is shrewd, impatient, and leery of people wanting the land.

ironically, her name is grace.

on one visit bryce said that several times he and grace sat and tried to explain to auntie annie that he wanted to buy some of her land so that missionaries could come and vacation on the island.

finally she got up and went to the window with bryce in tow...

she showed him the family gravesite and said,

'this, this is my land. you go ahead and have that other land'.

they later found out that auntie annie's house was used as a harbor for missionaries as well.

funny how history has a way of repeating itself.

6 months later grace called bryce and sam and told them that her mother didn't want them to buy the land...

pause.

she wanted to give it to them.

11 acres of land...worth millions...just given.

and so, that's where they are.

they are working on signing papers and figuring out the rest.

it is an amazing story and the history makes it all the richer.

hearing it, i got chills.

and at one point i looked at both of them and got choked up.

i knew...i knew right then,

this is why i'm here.

i came to hear this story.

and the best part is...

i've only been across the pond 12 days.

there are still so many stories to hear.

pretty places

2008-07-24T03:15:00.000-07:00

some days...pictures say it better.

day nine and ten

2008-07-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

yesterday i began my work in the mercy ships office.

i'm scanning all their old files from the past 10 years so that they can have some copies in the event of a fire or something.

it's terribly boring work, but i'm able to read and play online while i do it so it's fine.

the picture above is of the couple and their band mate that i'm staying with.

last night one of the other guys that lives here, patrick, took me to the local grocery store and fixed dinner for all of us. he also bought me several things of chocolate and today i tasted the best dark chocolate i have ever had in my entire life!

ahhh, i love switzerland.

my feet are still healing up and this weekend we should be going into the 'city' (it's still very small) and to the lake that is at the bottom of the mountains.

i'm enjoying the slower pace here in lausanne.

much like the author of 'eat, pray, love', i'm trying to pick a word for each of the places i visit.

so far london is:

MOVE

and lausanne is:

BALANCE.

in london people were constantly moving and buzzing around, even more so than what i think i experience in houston.

(maybe houston would be TRAFFIC, ha).

here in lausanne people really try to have a balance of work and play.

even in politics they try to see both sides and really remain neutral yet involved.

there are so many more examples, but those are the easiest and best i think.

i am loving it here.

i love the rest and the quiet

(except for the cowbells and mooing outside in the fields).

i love the people who are so kind and generous.

i love the cool 65 degree weather.

it's just lovely...and i get another eight days of it! hooray!

AND i just had honey straight from a honey comb from the south of france.

yes, i love this place.

lausanne, switzerland

2008-07-20T14:27:00.001-07:00

day eight

so this is what i woke up to this morning.

jealous?

you totally should be.

(you can click on the pictures to make them bigger too)

i think this might just be one of the most beautiful places on the planet.

the house is owned by mercyships and is one of their main headquarters i think,

and they have about 12 people living here.

the weather is cool since the mountains trap the cold air in and it also causes some really great thunderstorms which i'm really excited about.

i'm glad i've got plenty to look out the window and see too, since my feet are in pretty bad shape from all the walking i did in london.

(i actually took off a bandage today to find that my blisters have been worn off and it's creating some pretty deep wounds-no worries, they're taking care of me)

so i'm glad to just sit and reflect...and look at the pretty alps of course.

the couple i'm staying with are amazing.

they do some really interesting music: electro-pop, and they go into clubs and bars and 'bring the presence of God so people can taste it'.

they don't want to be categorized as Christian, but really do just want to stimulate conversation and...i dunno...perhaps i need to process it more, but something inside me tells me that what they're doing is amazing, even if i can't get my head wrapped around it.

the couple is made of up bryce who is from california and sam from from the south of france.

bryce has a shaved head and a looooong goatee plus an earring up in his cartilage. (he totally reminds me of my friend rodney from cali as well...maybe they're related)

sam is one of the most beautiful parisian women i've ever seen.

she is thin and fit (with amazingly great arms-deanna, you would be so jealous) and short, fun dark black hair.

they are an interesting and complimentary duo and they are lovely.

in addition to all this, i've been reading this book 'eat, pray, love' by elizabeth gilbert that my friend deanna recommended, and it is changing my life.

the author begins by going through her divorce from her husband.

she actually comes to that revelation on the floor of her bathroom

(a place i know well).

then she decides to do some traveling-coincidentally, all to places that begin with 'i':

italy, india, and indonesia.

as i traveled to and through london i read through italy:

she gained like 20+ pounds just eating, drinking, and enjoying learning italian.

she had a beautiful experience there...

and her story through her divorce/break up with her new boyfriend really resemble what i've been going through as well.

(there are way too many quotes to tell you, everyone should go read it)

after italy she goes to india to learn how to meditate, pray, find God.

i also find this similar now that i am out here in the quiet and in the mountains.

i met some really great people in the city and saw some beautiful things...

i realized a lot about myself and shared a great deal,

but i think it's harder to 'hear' God in the city...

and hearing God is something i desperately want to do right now.

i want to hear a 'still, small voice' and i'm hoping that doing some meditation of my own my make that a bit easier.

we'll see.

regardless, i've found that on this trip my soul is sighing.

the weight of a lot of the stuff i was carrying around before my trip has begun to be released and i am...relaxing into myself.

maybe it is hard to explain...i just know that something is different,

and i like it.

day seven

2008-07-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

the days are all starting to run together now...

(and i've only been here a week!)

i forget the date and what day of the week it is.

not to mention that i don't really have a clock other than my computer.

i've still got 'tomball time' as my listed time on the macbook,

but i've got another little clock on here that i change along with where i'm located.

right now it is 2:30am in lausanne, switzerland and it's 7:30pm in tomball...

we are worlds apart.

today shannon took me to get my first real english breakfast.

since i'm not a big meat eater, i had it veggie style:

beans, toast, sausage (kind of), a poached egg, tomato...

not your normal english muffin.

it was different, but i am proud to say i had it.

after that we ventured into greenwich village where i got to stand at the apex of the universe and see just where time came from.

i've asked the people i've met to 'show me the part of your city most tourists don't get to see',

and that's exactly what we've done.

not only did i go to a real dive this morning for breakfast, but instead of seeing 'big ben', i got to see real time in greenwich.

very cool.

then i spent the rest of the day packing and taking buses, trains, planes all to arrive here in lausanne, switzerland.

i have got to say that this whole traveling thing is stirring me up quite a bit.

i have found out that i am terribly afraid of traveling alone-

i hate it. i go into a mini-panic.

as i finally made it to the last train, i found myself fighting back tears...

tears of missing home, tears wanting to be shed in sheer exhaustion,

but i didn't.

i refused to cry until i knew i was safe with my new friends.

(and even then the desire to cry had pretty much passed)

i just knew that sometimes you just have to survive.

sometimes you don't get to be a little girl that needs taking care of.

today i was a big girl, and i did big things.

when i arrived in lausanne it was long past dark so i couldn't see anything outside as i traveled on the train, but as i looked out...

i knew that somewhere out there were the alps,

and when i woke up they would be there in the distance to greet me,

and would let me know they're glad i came to visit,

and glad i decided to be a big girl and take this trip.

day six

2008-07-18T10:36:00.001-07:00

i've had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights.

mostly because we keep the windows open to let the cool breeze in,

but london seems to never sleep,

and so i'm awoken by the sound of honking cars and racing motorbikes.

today shannon and i ventured into the city to do some more work on sweet notions-

we're designing a work book for young girls and women.

she's a slave driver, that shannon hopkins.

we also went and saw the tate museum which is full of great modern art.

then we walked across the millennium bridge over to st. paul's cathedral.

we went to evensong and i found myself following perfectly along with the service-

(yay for being raised episcopalian)

shannon made a really good point as we strolled from the tate to st. pauls'...

the tate is free and accepts donations,

and yet st. paul's costs $16 to visit.

ironic.

it was still a beautiful church and i'm thankful to have traversed the new to the old.

in addition, it was a drizzly day and i kept thinking,

'yes, this is the london i've heard of'.

tomorrow night is when i jump on another plane and head to lausanne, switzerland.

i'm excited to wake up to the mountains.

i've loved london, but perhaps it's time to meet some new faces and hear some new stories.

and share a little more of myself.

day two

2008-07-17T04:42:00.000-07:00

day two:

shannon told me to get lost...

so i did.

i didn't take a map at all, and that was totally okay.

i walked...

FOR SIX HOURS.

by the end, my feet were totally bloody and blistered,

and some of the parts of the city i saw really weren't that beautiful,

but the point was taken-i was shocked-all the anxiety i thought would be there around traveling london alone wasn't there.

i jammed to kevin's mix of 'david crowder' stuff and it was the first time that i've listened to jesus-music on my own.

it was pretty neat having that as a background to all that i saw, and all the pretty pictures i took.

then we went and met with some other twenty something girls in the area that are doing 'the artist way' which is also a book that i'm doing that i think most people should do :)

the girls were great and it was neat meeting with people closer to my age that are doing really neat things in the city.

plus, i really shared myself.

put it all out there on the table, and i think it was a really great moment for me.

day three:

helped shannon get ready for a meeting between a couple really cool groups.

i met a guy named lee behar that works for a private foundation that hands out money to people like shannon. he's in his mid-forties and really affirms people that are doing some really different things, but he's also brilliant when it comes to business.

then he took shannon and i out to get 'a curry'.

i've never had curry and was a little hesitant, but it was really good!

everyday i get home so exhausted, but then i wake up and remember...

i'm in london.

day four:

spent the whole day seeing more of the city:

saw the national museum-van gogh's sunflowers were my favorite, mostly for the reasons he actually did the painting. (it's a secret, you'll have to figure it out yourself)

then we shopped around carnaby street (and when i shopped, i mean i looked)

i saw howies!!! that was pretty exciting, i love those people.

we went to the liberty which is a building in the tudor style.

it was beautiful and the inside looked like a cross between anthropolgie and real simple.

(yes deanna, i will take you there one day)

it was a beautiful day and was finished off by watching 'pride and prejudice'...my favorite.

day five:

last night i stayed up late reading fenelon's collection of letters 'let go'.

if you have never read it and want some advice on suffering, i suggest you read it.

right now i'm sitting back in gastromica coffee shop drinking that italian hot chocolate that is more like pudding. i love it.

shannon and i are working on some more of my travel plans-

i go to switzerland this weekend and then maybe the taize community in france afterward.

then comes orkney with the jones',

maybe prague, karlsruhe,

telford, greenbelt festival, and who knows where else.

we're also working on 'sweet notions' and more creative projects for me.

everyday i am being more and more undone.

i am learning how to let go of so many things...

people i held on to, habits i had, the 'self' that i wanted more than a free life with God.

i'm praying (something new for me).

i'm writing continually,

and reading as well.

i'm creating ideas for what could be back in the states,

or even what could be here for me in the UK...

we'll just have to see.

but i miss home.

i miss my family and i miss my communities.

but i'm really trying to be fully present to all that is here,

but also giving myself the grace to walk through pain and grief...

and that i don't have to have everything packaged and understood right now.

it's wonderful,

and i am so grateful to be here.

hallelujah. hallelujah. hallelujah.

day one

2008-07-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

last week was one of the hardest weeks of my life.

ryan made it clear that it was time that he and i part ways,

and i was devastated.

i couldn’t get off the couch for about three days-

i answered no calls and i medicated myself by watching television (the only way i could stop myself from crying).

i retraced the words that filled the last conversation he and i had,

and i grieved...

mostly from the floor of my shower.

i needed to feel clean again,

but my shame and despair were too thick to be washed away by soap and water.

i had admitted to ryan that i was unwilling to allow others to help me-

i was afraid to trust, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to try any harder than i already had,

but suddenly, in immense pain, i found that i was suddenly more willing than i had ever been in my entire life.

i had conversations, i read, i began to listen to what was going on in my heart.

it was becoming clear...

i was in desperate need of some time alone,

some time without ryan.

he and i have exchanged some emails and have shared some of the things we’d like to work on in our own lives, some of our fears, and some of the beautiful things we know about each other.

i can only speak for myself, but in this moment i am leaving feeling complete.

within a few days i was feeling more optimistic,

and although the pain i experience with his loss is still very real,

i am realizing that i have lost myself in my relationship with him.

there are so many things i could list here that i’ve realized, that i want to work on, that have changed within a short amount of time,

but the biggest things are:

there is space.

space for me to discover just who juli is and just who she wants to be.

i have also seen some patterns of behavior within other relationships-my mother, my old roommates-all places where i was withdrawn and playing the victim.

i was unable to see some of my responsibility and i was placing blame and punishment on those around me.

there is healing already beginning and change that i think may never have come had ryan and i not ended.

movement is happening and ryan and i are no longer like a wind-up toy that continues to run itself into a wall. we are both spending time discovering who we are and learning how to love ourselves so we can love someone else...

and that will be the hardest part of all this-

allowing him to possibly love someone else.

i cannot see hope in all of that now, but there are people around me who are hoping for me...

not that ryan and i would be back together one day, but that we would be exactly where and what God would have us to be,

and i have to believe that is the best thing for us.

i just have to.

..........................................

on friday before i left for my ‘european adventure’ i was given a gift.

it was a thin box with a bow tied tightly around it.

i began packing for my flight late in the night and i was alone in my room when i finally opened my present.

i slid the lid off and before my head knew what i was looking at...

i was sobbing.

finally my brain caught up and i saw several multi-colored envelopes.

somehow i knew what they were and who they were from:

they were from my communities.

i read each one, crying mostly, but laughing loudly as well.

the first of the cards was from dr. galvin, my beloved therapist.

in it she gave me this verse:

“she gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her:

you are the God who sees me,

for she said, ‘i have now seen the One who sees me’.

that is why the well was called God-alive-sees-me spring;

it is still there, between kadesh and bered.”

much like dr. galvin’s own experience with this story,

i found myself crying before i really knew what those words meant to me...

what those cards, that wonderful gift, meant to me.

i have found that happening more often lately-my heart is traveling before my head,

it wasn’t something i intentionally tried to do, but is a wonderful reprieve from all my controlling habits.

the verse is special because i have found two things about myself:

1) that i am not sure that there is a God out there that loves me,

2) that i am loveable.

both to these are the root of what has affected all my relationship and something i am committed to working on.

that verse from genesis makes more sense right now-i can believe in a God who sees me and maybe one day i will believe the rest...that i am beautifully and delightfully made, but for now, to be seen is just enough.

the present was special because i felt seen by my community and blessed.

thank all of you that wrote me those special notes-it means more than any of you will ever know.

in addition to all this i was feeling some high anxiety about traveling.

this is the first time i have ever been alone and i am so very afraid,

but it is beginning to subside now that i am here in london getting comfortable with my friend shannon.

what i want most is to be a big girl.

i want to do big things and enjoy these very big people with their very big lives.

they are all doing and are such amazing people and i am humbled to be in their presence.

i want to soak in their stories and i want to be giving of myself as well.

thank all of you who are reading along as i travel.

i miss home, but i’m so thankful to be here.

i am blessed with wonderful parents who have graciously given me this gift of travel,

and i truly believe that my life will forever be changed by it.

thank you mom and dad,

and thank you my communities as well.

made it

2008-07-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

so i made it across the pond.

i'm on sensory overload and have so many things i want to write and say already.

it will be hard to keep up with all of them AND look at all the beautiful things around.

i miss home, though.

i'll be here in london a week and then on to switzerland...

then the orkney islands.

i'm beginning to hear the stories of the people i'll be staying with-

they are amazing and i cannot wait to actually meet them.

i'll blog some more soon :)

oh, and it's 6pm and sixty-eight degrees.

i'm sitting in an obscure little cafe drinking italian hot chocolate so thick i think it might be pudding.

i am a lucky little girl.

2008-07-08T00:31:00.000-07:00

maybe there's a God above,

but all i've ever learned from love

was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya...

and it's not a cry that you hear at night,

it's not somebody who's seen the light,

it's a cold and it's a broken

hallelujah.

hurt

2008-07-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

ryan and i broke up tonight.

too much damage, too much pain, too much trying.

i think i'm most scared of waking up in the morning...

that feeling when you've just woken,

you have a faint, distant feeling of something being wrong,

but you can't remember.

and then you do.

you remember.

and it doesn't go away.

i don't know how many mornings like that i will have,

but one day i'll wake up and remember that i am alive,

and that everything will be okay.

growing up

2008-07-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

a conversation today...

karis: i can't do it.

me: why not?

karis: i'm not strong. i'm not big.

me: oh karis, believe me...i understand.

nelson

2008-06-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

i get it madiba,

you want me to change the world,

but i gotta tell ya...

it seems a little intimidating.

i watched nelson mandela's birthday celebration tonight that took place across the pond in london a few days ago...

kinda wish i had flown a couple weeks early so i could've at least tried to get a ticket.

my eyes were teary the whole time,

especially when he got up and addressed the crowd.

(i got some relief when amy whinehouse got up to sing...but, a party is a party right?)

mandela is 90 years old...

who the hell gets to live to be that old anymore?

somebody who has helped to almost single handedly change nations and invoke people to actually do something to help the world?

makes me wanna jump on his healthcare plan.

.............................................................

over the past couple of weeks i've read quite a bit,

mostly because i'm not working and i'm trying to get everything ready for my trip.

three of the books i read-coincidentally enough-are hunger for healing ,the shack , and the artist's way

now, hunger for healing and the artist's way are both 12 weeks series and both can be pretty weighty,

but utter and totally worth it.

the shack, also worth it, is fiction and has changed my life.

i feel i need to go back and re-read it several times to let it sink in.

mostly, it gave me a picture of a God that i think i can believe in.

i just so happened to be doing the dreaded '4th step' in hunger for healing (yes, those of you who know what i'm talking about are cringing) and i also happened to read the shack.

something out there in the cosmos must have orchestrated that,

because the combination has been a force of nature.

several things opened up for me...

and i'm excited that this is the note that i'll be embarking on my trip with.

.......................................................

so...back to nelson...

in the picture above he's wearing his prison number.

he was the 466th prisoner in 1964.

it is hard enough for me to work on the 4th step...

acknowledging my resentments, fears, etc. that keep me bound,

much less to wear it on a shirt.

and so madiba is wearing it to get others to join in...

his legacy will come to an end physically and he needs people to carry it on.

..............i'm sitting here...looking at my own two hands as i type....

and they look very small.

too small to do much good anywhere,

and my trip to europe-the trip to clear my head now that i've graduated-is to help me see just what my next step will be.

i'm thrilled...and nervous...and so very ready to see more of what is possible...

possible with my two little hands nonetheless.

happy birthday nelson mandela.

published

2008-06-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

so my new friend jonny baker has decided to publish my lil 'ol blessings.

i'll be one of the new 'unusual suspects' (creative kids under age 25) on his independent label: proost.

i checked back, and in may of 2006 i listed his site under a blog titled 'fun stuff to look at'. i also added that i 'kind of adore him' (jonny) and i'm pretty sure that when i get to meet him in august i'll really kind of adore him :)

being published is kind of a neat thing.

at first i wasn't really sure what to think.

the blessings that i've put on here and written & read aloud at church were just meant to be...a letter to my family-nothing big or worth taking notice of-but there are people around me that think they're good, and special, and so soon i'll be able to hold them in book-form...in my own two hands.

i leave in a couple weeks for my european adventure.

i'll go through london, prague, lausanne (switzerland), telford, karlsruhe (germany), and maybe if i'm really lucky, the orkney islands.

at the end of august i'll be at the greenbelt festival where i'll finally get to meet mr. jonny baker, and i'll finally get to see the blessings.

i'll also get the chance to visit old friends and meet new ones...

i'll sleep on couches, floors, and spare beds...

i'll be reading, and watching, and snapping photos...

writing new blessings for the 'traveler'...

and maybe somewhere in there i'll find some more of myself.

because that's what this trip is all about:

continuing to figure out just who this little girl growing is.

wedding

2008-06-06T23:28:00.000-07:00

my little sister got married tonight.

i feel like part of me died.

it hurts so bad i can't breathe.

graduation

2008-05-13T22:56:00.000-07:00

so, i made it.

i will officially graduate from college this saturday.

it's kind of...surreal.

last friday i walked into my classroom to take my last final...

i was the only student there

(graduating seniors get to take finals early).

i sat down and began to write,

but in the middle of it...in the middle of the silence...

the weight of not knowing what i'm going to do when i finished set in.

i nearly went into a panic attack,

which is something that i have yet to ever experience but was still terribly scary.

i sat there for a bit...calmed down...and finished my final.

after turning my test in i walked out to the parking lot toward my car.

i think i lingered a bit longer than normal as i strolled on...

it was a beautiful day and i kept looking around for someone i knew...

someone i could tell...

someone i could share the moment with,

but no one was to be found.

so i got in my car and left feeling kind of sad...and pretty alone.

i didn't know what to think or have any clue what to do with myself.

as i drove out the big arching gates of my university i noticed a policeman on a motorcycle heading toward me down the opposite side of the street.

i figured he was chasing after some speeder and so i proceeded to pull out onto the street.

instead of continuing on, he stopped in the middle of the intersection, raised his hand to halt me and blew his whistle.

i slammed on the breaks in shock and waited for some direction from the officer.

then i realized what was going on...

from behind him came a hearse.

so there i was, pulling out of my university in the middle of an intersection blocking traffic, waiting on a hearse and funeral procession to go by.

what imagery.

i sat there and had to wait the agonizing couple of minutes in sheer embarrassment.

i was forced to recognize that this was the last time i would exit out these gates as a student.

i was done,

and i had no idea where i was going.

a chapter in my life had finished,

and i wasn't sure if i was ready to let it die.

....................................

a few weeks ago my therapist asked me why i'm not more excited about graduation.

part of the reason is that i have a lot going on-

i'm still doing therapy and working on getting some healing

(reading the book 'hunger for healing'...it's a bitch, but great)

and the boyfriend and i came back from the 3 month break and we're still working as hard as ever on who we are as individuals and as a couple.

plus i've got my little sister's wedding, for which i've made all the invitations, thank-you cards, and scrapbooks...

and she's also graduating the same day i am.

i will graduate before my little sister by 6 hours.

yes, that is some sort of achievement.

the thing is, i've never really liked that kind of attention.

i've noticed recently that as i watch people being celebrated-

like at weddings or showers-

that i cringe.

the attention being poured upon someone else is almost unbearable for me to watch.

that's part of the reason why being celebrated is hard...

the other part is my upbringing: somne holidays were hard holidays with my mother-

especially events like birthdays,

so all of this brings up some 'junk' of mine.

another part is that i'm not entirely proud of my degrees-

i'm proud of my sociology major,

but not so much about my christianity major & half my credits in the masters of theology

(which i gave up on finishing)

which brings me back to my conversations with my therapist...

she told me that 'i guess it took you 5 years to realize that you never wanted to have a degree in christianity or theology, and that's okay. that's your journey. you got where you need to be'.

so it's frustrating that i've figured this out after the fact.

probably would have saved me some time and money,

but perhaps she's right.

i told her that maybe i had to un-learn everything i thought i knew and wanted to know.

so now i'm left wondering what the hell i'm going to do with myself now that i've gotten a degree and should be ready to do something with myself.

i've applied for a fellowship with city hall and a position with a 'green' park downtown and neither have worked out.

i'm left wondering what the problem is-

i know i'm a smart, capable person, so what's the hold up?

my friends shannon hopkins and jess strickler have offered to let me travel around europe with them for 3 months working on some of the projects they've got going and the 'tessera' learning trail that's been developed,

and my parents have agreed to help me take the trip...

so that's what i'm going to do...

and hope that i find a little bit more of myself and a chance to breath and process.

...and maybe do some much needed blogging :)

joy

2008-05-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

5-11-08

♥

deuteronomy 15.

you are blessed when you give-

when you look past your own nose

to see the need of your neighbor.

you are blessed when you love freely & generously-

lending your hands & your hearts

not expecting interest or even return.

you are blessed when you don't look away-

when you stare the world's need in the eye

without looking through or turning.

you are blessed when you feel the tugging in your heart-

the place where God's hopeful expectation resides

when you hear the voices in your head & heart-

not the voices of shame or guilt,

but of God's bidding to act.

because we do not have to wait for the year of jubilee,

for jubilee is here.

and time for giving & debt relieving is here.

because jubilee is you &

jubilee is me &

jubilee is we.

amen.

with eyes open

2008-05-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

4-20-08

♥

jesus creed: 'we have not seen him, but we love him.

to know him is to know the true & living God'

blessings on all of us as we try

to love those around us,

those we can see & feel & touch.

and blessings on us as we try to love that which we cannot see,

that we cannot touch with our own hands or reach out to grasp

or collapse into.

blessings as you look to see God around you

blessings as you feel God's heat & breath surrounding you

blessings as you touch God as you reach out

with a hand to help those less fortunate

and as you are held and embraced by those you allow to love you.

seek to love what God loves.

seek not just to obey

seek to believe & to act,

letting one feed the other...

wrestling in the balance.

agenda

2008-05-13T12:57:00.000-07:00

4-6-08

♥

bless you as you travel down the road of 'meaning',

stopping along the way,

trying things on as you seek to find

who you are and who you want to be.

bless you as you engage in community,

finding both the safe place to be just as you are

and challenged to be a part of a body-

the hands, the feet,

all with their own prints and never duplicated.

bless you as you connect with something bigger than yourself.

bless you as you delve into God's agenda for the world.

bless you as you lose your life so that you may find it.

bless you as you search,

and above all,

bless you as you continue to hope.