therapy

as i walked through barnes & noble this morning bobbing my head as i listened to 'gorillaz' on my brand new i-pod (kevin was right...these things are amazing) i began to realize just how therapeutic book stores can be. after picking up the book i came for...one that karen swears by...i planted myself on the floor in the 'art' section. in the midst of my trance filled with colors and photos and all things beautiful i received a phone call. it was from a woman that helped facilitate a...session i had been to a few nights before. i'm still not sure how to best define the ideas this session was projecting. it was something between a self-help, self-realization, group therapy. it was hard for me...the idea of picking something that was really a brick wall in my life and with a group in the span of an hour identify how this brick wall was forcing me to behave in my life. nonetheless, i went along with the group and tried as best i could to participate at a level i felt comfortable. by the end of the night i was right where i started: with these brick walls that i needed to get through. it hadn't done much for me but to help see a program that a friend valued (why i had gone in the first place) and then i also go to hear some of the things my friends were struggling through. 'brick walls' aren't exactly common conversation i guess.

so one of these facilitators gets me on the phone and begins to ask how i felt about the night. then she starts asking all kinds of personal questions. now, i'm not one to shy away from confrontation but this was becoming uncomfortable. there's trust involved...and that wasn't exactly something she had. it also takes time and permission and i simply wasn't ready to grant her the secret password into 'juli's crap'. either way...she began to spill about why she had joined this....program and all the things she had overcome. i found myself smiling and happy for her. i was glad she had found what she needed. i was glad she was released of some of the things she had been going through. i genuinely appreciated her sharing. i told her that although i was glad to have attended the evening, i wasn't sure it had given me anything more than what i was already going through with my pastors and friends around me. i was indeed attempting to become healthy myself.

and in the middle of all this...looking at the art....sitting on the floor with 'gorillaz' still blaring through my headphones next to me....i began to think about therapy. it's true...i'm in therapy. i never would have called it that before, but it really is. every time i plop down on ken's couch in his office and spill my guys i'm engaging in therapy. every time i call up karen and we hash out anything and everything woman...i'm in therapy. every time i play with kevin and d's daughter karis...it too is therapy. all of it. and i don't have to give anything other than my time and patience and diligence. i'm working on it. i want to by healthy.

so i started thinking about ways outside of a program that i could begin this journey, and here are a couple of the ideas:

continue running.

take yoga (for real this time).

keep reading.

seek out new restaurants.

take classes...wine, food, art.

appreciate new styles of music.

go to more concerts.

listen....really listen.

visit the labyrinth regularly.

scrapbooking...collaging...creating.

spend more time with my parents.

do some risky things-not involving tattoos or piercings this time.

go to mosques and buddhist temples again. they're beautiful.

continue to face my 'brick walls'.

blog.

this is only the beginning to a long list of things i want to do, but i'm hoping it's a start. i'm not sure that we ever achieve complete healthiness-it's a continual process, but there are levels and i'd like to reach higher.