vulnerability

i hate being sick. if you read my blog, then you'll notice a trend: i hate a lot of things. i suppose hate is a rather harsh word, but i'm a girl and we speak in extremes so hate will suffice for today. i really don't enjoy being sick-i suppose no one really enjoys it, well, unless you're a hypochondriac i guess. anyways, the point is, i have a terrible cold and i'm not enjoying it. the world is not a smiley face today...

the worst part about being sick is that you're vulnerable. people see you when you're really not cute (and i know i'm cute most of the time, but not right now) i'm snotting all over myself and i've got gross stuff all down in my chest that keeps me coughing all the time. the worst of it is that i don't like to take medicine. I KNOWWWW what you're all thinking, "gosh, juli is so stubborn" and i realize it. i know i'm stubborn. i simply don't like the way medicine makes me feel. i get all woozey and dizzy and air-heady (which is different than most days). so since i don't like to take the meds and i try to let my body fight it on it's own...i'm stuck in this rut until it all blows over, or until my body decides to shut down...whichever happens first. another thing i don't like to do is cry. it seems that when i get sick i'm much more apt to cry. anything can set me off because in the end, all i want is to be held and taken care of (oh, i need to cuddle!)

for me, i'm most vulnerable when i'm sick but i'm learning more and more how i can allow myself to be in that place without my body forcing me into it. i'm learning to trust. lately i've been talking about all this "community" stuff which is all fine and dandy until it starts to suck. there are moments that boundaries are crossed and feelings are hurt, and it is awfully painful. it isn't fun to let people speak painful truth into our lives or to correct an improper behavior. i don't enjoy it, but i'm learning to allow it and i'm trying to cope with it in a healthy way. it's kind of like the medicine...i don't like to feel out of control. i don't like to feel as if something else has control of me and my situations. i don't like that someone else could have any bearing on where i stand in my life. now, to allow someone to control it is an entirely different thing, but to allow others some sense of say in my life...well now, that is a yielding of control that is hard for a stubborn girl like me to give up. issues with authority....yuck.

i think talking about community and what comes with it are so easy to do sometimes. we can talk about how uncomfortable it is and how painful it may be...blah blah blah, but when it comes down to it, we run. we run as far away from the possibility of pain as we can. we remove ourselves and we convince ourselves that our current reality is truth. some of my favorite people in this world have done it, and i sure as heck know i have...which makes me wonder-is true community possible?

i want to say yes, i want to believe that even though we fail sometimes and we screw up that God has it in his divine plan to make things right again. not to make everything beautiful and sun shiney and a smiley face again, but to make it right. i want to believe that we all have a chance to be brought back into community and a chance to be redeemed and forgiven by each other. i hope that even when i run and hide from truth that there will still be people waiting when i want to return. on the flip side, i hope that i can be one of those people with my arms wide open waiting patiently on those i love. well, that's my hope at least.

today was a rough day. i cried. someone i care deeply about and respect greatly cried. i got mad, i got defensive, i was sad, and i felt the pain of community. it's not pretty. it's not always fun, but it's something i'm glad to be a part of. i'm thankful for days like today when God pushes me so far that i snap, because i think it's then that all the cool stuff can begin.