the paradox

my body is completely exhausted. it actually hurts to type.

my legs hurt...my eyes burn...i can barely lift my arms and i think i may have broken a toe...

but today was a beautiful day. in fact, this whole weekend has been amazing....

thursday:

got to hang out with ryan almost all day. met his fraternity brothers (scary). figured out who 'phi mu' was (they're the hot chicks that wear short skirts with their cute sorority t-shirts). i suddenly felt like i was in 'grease' and it was made obvious that i am not a 'pink lady'.

...but it's ok. you're in control.

went to group w/ ryan. awesome conversation...mostly about who gets to go to heaven. i feel safe here. thank God i found these people.

friday:

went to class...i'm studying greek. perhaps that says enough, but i'm way excited. my prof is great and this could possibly be the coolest class i've ever taken.

talked with dr. furr (my fav) he was passing me in the student center, munching on some pizza.

i caught his eye.
he asked to sit.
i said 'of course'.
he saw my book: velvet elvis.
he asked what it was about.
i begin...

went to work...terrible. we were so busy and there were moments i wanted to cry. the whole time thinking...'i should be at my apartment packing'.

went to bed at 2 a.m.

...still in control.

saturday:

started packing. got to hang out with my fam a bit. watched my brothers face glow as he told my friend rodney that he feels like rod is family...his brother.

packed and moved all day....all day.

found myself at one point alone in the apartment....everyone else had gone home or to the storage place.
i looked around at the emptiness.
i felt empty inside.
when did it become alright to move back home? suddenly i'm not okay with this.
too late juli.
it's sad, but something in my head says that it's ok.
this is ok

talked to an old friend and then ryan. lots of old "relationship" stuff got brought up...not exactly fun conversation.

my body hurts...i fell asleep and forgot to turn the light off. nice.

...control...

sunday:

woke up extra early to do the power point for church.
went out to apartment to finish packing.
got in a...tiff...with my dad who reminds me again that in a year i need to have a job that has health insurance.
i bite my tongue.
my body hurts. i'm dripping sweat. this is not fun.
i race home. i missed going to my old friend's wedding shower. i'm bummed.
gotta finish the power point. gotta get to church. gotta change clothes. no time for a shower.

ex-boyfriend calls. we get in a ridiculous fight. i finally say some things and call out some behavior. he gets mad...i get mad. really, really mad.

ken's talking to us about some cool stuff. he's quoting velvet elvis. we're discussing the "many rooms" prepared in heaven. jesus is talking to the 12...what makes me think i have a room up there? when jesus said "way, truth, life" did he really mean through him or just his lifestyle? can we ever read the bible objectively? can we ever just give "God's opinion"? what lens do i see the bible through?

my head hurts but i'm grinning ear to ear. this is the stuff we talk about on thursday nights.
i think...ken is bold. he's asking the right questions. how in the world did i get so lucky to be here?

we go to dinner. someone says something i don't like about wellspring. i try to internalize it....

someone teases me and for some reason i get my feelings hurt.

someone makes a funny face when i tell them something about ryan & i.
i get upset.
i get home and call ryan. i tell him about my day.

suddenly...

i'm falling apart....