girl growing

and a space for her to play in

Friday, October 06, 2006

abyss


my aunt's in the hospital.
she's dying.
her liver is failing her.
i walked in the house today (right after getting my second speeding ticket in 6 months) to find this out.
not exactly great news.
worst part about it is...she did this. my aunt did this to herself. no one could stop her. she made a meal of alcohol and got herself down to 85 pounds.
like my mom said...'she just doesn't want to live anymore'.
i don't want to know what a dark place like that looks like.
i don't want to ever experience something i can't eventually be pulled out of...be it by my own teeth and nails or by someone else grabbing me by the hair.
a month ago they said she'd live a few more years.
today they said she had 6 months.
she will probably die within the next month.
the control freak in me wonders what i could have done, and i know my mother is wondering the same thing about herself.
the hardass in me says that if this is what she wants...
and the girl that desperately wants to love God wants to know what this means.
if it's true that we can bring heaven to earth, then hell certainly has been given the same invitation.
today...the world is not a smiley face.
i won't ask any of you to pray...but perhaps throw some positive thoughts my families' way.

2 Comments:

Blogger Nathan Herrington said...

heavy stuff. hmm. life. sounds like drinking from out of a fire hydrant.

it was good to bump into you tonight. i wonder if our dear friend karen would be so good as to coordinate a soiree. there could be wine. and pommes sauttees...other young folk our age. she'd totally go for it.

or just bowls of nuts. or water. just would like to see you...and not in passing. intentionally, as it were...
maybe one k-rad would coordinate this.

happy greek festival day..
nathan

9:52 PM  
Blogger KC said...

Karen would be delighted. Juli, I'm sorry I didn't read this post before seeing you Sunday. I would have held on to that hug a little longer. I'm somewhat familiar with the dilemma your facing with your aunt. I've been pissed and pleased with the ins and outs of a family who didn't know when to say when. I've worried, dismissed, regretted and wondered. At this point, I believe in a disease. I believe in boundaries that keep the disease from consuming. And I believe that healing can come but only when it's desired. I hope at this moment you're feeling awash, yea verily bathed, in positive thoughts that I'm sending your way.

7:48 AM  

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