free.

my roomie here in london, hannah, and i have been doing a lot of processing about who we are and what we want to do with the future.

recently i made a list of things i CAN do for a job and things i WANT to do.

when i saw that i even left the window open for the 'can' category...

i realized something was wrong.

when i quit the ymca last year i gave my boss a card.

he had been complaining for the past year about how he wanted to quit the Y but never did.

the card had a drawn box with butterflies flying inside it.

there was one, lone butterfly flying outside of the box.

one of the butterflies inside said, 'why are you flying outside the box? 

why don't you come back in here where it's safe?'

the butterfly on the outside of the box replied...

'you may be safe, but i am free'.

i recalled that card when i realized i had created a 'can' category.

hannah and i agree that there is a vacuum out there that wants to suck us in and that it must have started somewhere around graduation...

but the more i think about it,

i think it started much longer ago.

somewhere down the line somebody or something made us feel like we had to be a part of the 'rat race' that so many people get caught up in.

i realized that to 'be free' is a really intentional thing.

i have to wake up every morning and tell myself that 'i choose to be free'. 

that way i don't get sucked back into believing i have to live my life a certain way and on somebody else's terms.

i think God is a lot like that for me.

i will go days without remembering God.

there are times when i hurt so bad and i feel so lonely that i wonder if God is real.

the same goes with people that i love and tell me they love me.

it seems to be an intentional conversation that has to take place everyday...

otherwise i slowly find myself being sucked back into the vacuum. 

i have to choose to believe in God...

choose to believe i'm loved...

choose to believe that i am free.