paradox (part II)

...i'm crying...

i'm telling ryan about the fight with the ex.

about the awesome church gathering.

about how tired & sore i am.

about running into one of his frat brothers and the funny look he gave me.

about getting my feelings hurt be people i love.

about losing my apartment.

about having to rush around today.

about how happy i am with wellspring.

about how mad i am about stupid facebook.

about how i hate being young and reckless.

about how i wish i could stop thinking in terms of "good and bad", "black and white", "right and wrong".

about how i wish i could accept others where they are and what they believe.

about being frustrated with myself.

it's a roller coaster. i'm letting all of this out and i'm crying and it...hurts.

...you are out of control...

i told ryan that sometimes i feel like a little kid that's fighting with God over a toy. during the week God will try to pull away but i'm strong enough to tug back.

then he yanks harder and i start to get annoyed.

suddenly we're in full-on tug-o-war and i'm losing.

then i'm like a little kid: i cry. i throw a fit. i pout.

this is the biggest issue for me right now and i'm trying to figure out why. i'm trying to decide why i doubt. why i can't let God have it. why the 'toy' is so important to hang on to...to fight over.

i'm unpacking it out loud and i find myself arriving at some painful things that happened in my past. moments where i trusted God and thought that he had done something great in my life...where people around me seemed to be getting better... getting healthier. then it would all come crashing down and i would be devastated. it was like the rug got pulled out of under me.

i began to be calloused. i began to think God was at fault. that God didn't deliver...that he wouldn't. i didn't trust him...i don't even now. i think i can do better.

i want to be in control.

it's weekends like these that teach me. moments of weakness that God uses. i'm whittled down until i can't fight anymore. i have no choice but to sit and listen. God is saying big things to me...more than i can explain here.

weird.

but awesome. i like it and i hate it all at once. its painful yet liberating. its...so...God. i found myself in the paradox this weekend. the..."ohhh, now i get it." right now the clouds are rolling back and clarity is coming. tomorrow i'll be thankful for all this...maybe even the day after that too. then i'll try to gain control again...we'll fight over the toy and i'll be here again. it's part of growing up, i guess. but maybe, just maybe, that toy will start looking less and less desirable. perhaps i'll loosen my grip. perhaps this is okay. perhaps...