defining hope

i'm not really a huge fan of communications.

and yet my very baptist university thinks i should take the course...

and so i go. someone along the way found it to be important...so i go.

it's funny the things you hear when you actually listen.

the past few weeks we've been studying all the downfalls and mix-ups within communication.

things like 'self-actualization', 'i feel' statements, 'differentiation'.

there's so much more too...and while sitting there in class i suddenly find myself back in ken's office. talking about feelings, and faith, and how we communicate all that.

i have to do a speech on friday about a word and it's definitions.

we get to use our life experiences.

i figure i should use 'hope'...seeing as how it's tattooed to my wrist and all.

so i've been thinking about hope.

especially now.

'the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best'

'to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence'

'to believe, desire, or trust'

it's that last one that gets me.

looking back in the OT you can almost substitute 'hope' for 'trust' which is scary for me when talking about God.

'...and hope does not disappoint us.'

i quoted romans 5:4 on here...right after i got my tattoo.

...we rejoice in our sufferings because

suffering produces perseverance,

and perseverance character,

and character hope...

ryan, rodney and i had a good discussion about this once. ryan made a really valid point that i've been thinking about. i always thought that hope was like the light at the end of the tunnel. that no matter what...and i say that with much emphasis...that there would always be hope. that there was always trust. that even if it was a glimmer...it was still something.

now i'm wondering what to believe.

maybe ryan is right, and that sequence of events from romans 5 has to be experienced.

maybe we don't understand hope until the end.

maybe i won't get it until i suffer, i persevere, i obtain character.

i'm starting to think so.

this isn't a sad thing...though i think sometimes it comes across as it.

i've been getting calls lately of people wondering if i'm okay...

apparently questioning and doubting find equal standing ground with 'not okay-ness'.

i like it.

for the first time in my life i feel like i'm not just believing what someone else told me.

that i'm not just waiting around for it to secretly click and i can begin to totally understand what others around me are experiencing.

i just figure, why keep it a secret?

perhaps saying all this out loud will open things up.

i don't like the word 'suffer'. i never have.

i don't think i would consider everything that i'm going through as suffering...

i think it's just more...honesty.

struggle.

which sucks.

i don't like the hard part one bit, but i'm finding it completely necessary for continuing survival.

'completely necessary for continuing'...thus perseverance.

i think perseverance is a better word than hope right now.

why do i persevere?

who knows.

half the time i don't know why i even get out of bed...

go to school...do all the things i've promised.

i think i do it because i'm hoping for hope.

which makes no sense at all i suppose.

i figure if i keep on truckin' along...keep on asking questions...that someday it's going to begin to make sense.

and in the meantime, i think my character is....becoming more whole?

what all is involved in that?

don't get me started on things like integrity...i'd prefer you ask my friend nathan. he's much more eloquent.

i really do believe i'm becoming more whole in all of this, and i would like to trust.

i would like to have faith...and i'm discovering what that means.

i wish it were as easy and as simple as it seems to be for some of the rest of you.

perhaps it is...and maybe i've just got to come down to that.

maybe i'm overthinking it all...and maybe i'm making things much harder than necessary.

but if that's the case...i'll find it.

it will come.

i've got to suspend God to be able to believe in him.

i need to figure out what i really believe.

now...there are lexicons and commentaries and life experiences to sort through before i give this speech. if anybody out there's got any insight...it would be much appreciated.