pause.

i found myself on the side of highway 45 at 11:30PM with a blown out tire tonight.
needless to say...i was not a happy camper.
most men probably can't understand the sheer desperation that enters into a woman when she finds herself in a situation like this. i think the closest is to imagine a daughter, sister or wife in the same predicament....not pretty.
so i found myself nearing panic as i timidly called the herrington household in hopes that ryan would answer and i wouldn't wake the entire house. he didn't answer...
so i called one of his fraternity brothers who offered to come and find me. i really do like those boys...but eventually he got ahold of ryan and my knight in diedrich's uniform arrived.
but before he could get there i began to think...i had nothing to do but sit and make sure no one swerved off the road into me and my....situation.
i thought about school...and how 6AM will not be pretty...
and about karen, and how i wished the nights events leading up to the car event would have permitted me the chance to actually hang out with her...
and how when you know you love someone...you should tell them...
and about God.
i don't know why crap like this happens...but sometimes it does.
ryan and i have been having lots of really intense conversations lately about who we are and how that effects each other. sometimes it hurts and it makes me become even more self aware...and there are moments that i simply don't want to do it anymore.
i want to run and hide and tuck my feelings away.
lately we've both been so busy that i've had to kind of go it my own.
i've placed myself in a scary place.
i've begun to actually need someone.
sure i need my family...and community...and all those things, but i think that this is slightly different.
you can't always be understood at home...or even in community. i certainly feel that way most of the time, but not always.
ryan tries...and i feel most understood there.
and there...is a scary place.
in my worst moments of need lately ryan has been so busy that i've had to kind of buck up and go it alone...i hated it, but i went back to before and into a survival mode.
as i sat there waiting on him to show up i began to realize my helplessness.
it may have been almost midnight...but he was there when i needed him.
it's hard when you're in college and you're trying your best to be everything to everyone, and i recognize how high maintenance i am...but sometimes i like to pretend that i don't need anyone.
well tonight i saw that i do.
there are just some things a girl cannot do herself...and spare tires tend to be one of them.
other things happened in the car with God...or whatever... tonight.
and i'm still working it out.
i'm just glad to be home...
and loved enough to be rescued.