groaning

i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

the creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.

for the creation was subjected to frustration,

not by its own choice,

but by the will of the one who subjected it,

in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

we know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.

not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit,

groan inwardly

as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

for in this hope we were saved.

But hope that is seen is no hope at all.

who hopes for what he already has?

but if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

in the same way,

the Spirit helps us in our weakness.

we do not know what we ought to pray for...

but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

-roman 8:18-26

ken alluded to this verse on sunday and it struck a deep cord in me.

i've been having a hard time lately....

coming to realize a lot of things about myself and about what i truly believe.

and i'm okay with it.

i think that there are some around me who are worried or concerned...

one of my friends actually cracked the joke,

'but juli! what if you died...are you sure you'd go to heaven?!'

some of you may worry about the same things...but i think God is okay with where i'm at.

perhaps i'm turning into clay.

yesterday, i decided to do one of the stations...prayer.

i didn't really know what to say, or how, or when...

but i just knelt there and waited.

i heard ken next to me...(is it weird i know his breathing?)

after awhile i got caught up in my thoughts and suddenly felt ken's hand

rest upon my shoulder.

it kinda startled me.

i don't know if he was praying thanks that i was back,

or over my current doubt,

who knows...

but it erupted something in me.

i started sobbing.

lots of things came out that i wasn't expecting.

and i couldn't stop.

i just...kept crying.

it felt good.

there's a lot of stuff i could be mourning about...

a lot of things i should cry about,

but there wasn't any one thing in particular i thought of.

maybe it's my aunt.

maybe it's my frustration and confusion.

maybe it's stress.

maybe it's lack of sleep and that i finally got to stop.

no kids to rush around with...no one to feed...no controlling anything.

so i sat there...and cried...

and i think something in me groaned.

i've been trying so hard to find the words to pray

and searching for the words to say,

but it wasn't necessary.

...groans that words cannot express...