girl growing

and a space for her to play in

Monday, January 15, 2007

for better...or worse...

i hate break ups.
don't worry...i'm not going through one, but ryan & i have some friends that are.
watching the train wreck is nearly as painful as being a passenger.
i think the biggest thing i've noticed over the past couple of weeks is that as we travel along and really try our damnedest to be healthy, loving individuals...
there are casualties of these inner wars.
we don't want to believe that there's anything really wrong with our own selves...
or that we could be the one causing difficulties.
so the ones we supposedly love are the ones that the most pain is inflicted upon,
and sometimes we realize it...and don't even know what in the world we're doing...
we just can't make ourselves stop.
this whole past week i've been trying to convince my friend that she can't do anything any longer...
this is up to him.
he has to decide to change and to realize what's really wrong here.
and in the meantime...she has a lot of things she needs to be doing as well.
but right's getting downright ugly.
ryan & i both try to listen...
try to be accessible...
try to acknowledge the truth...
and try to be aware that perhaps none of our advice will be heeded...
because in the end we're just kids too, and what do we know anyway?
not only was this past week hard for our friends,
but it was hard on me too.
everything i was telling my friend was coming back to me.
'you can't change him'
'you can't fix him'
'this isn't about you'
and then it dawned on me...
well, perhaps not 'dawned'.
that implies that there were pretty shades of oranges, blues, and purples.
that my realization rose up and stirred me awake by warming my face.
no, my revelation was more like a brick wall,
and my face is still recovering from the impact.
i realized that everything i was telling her were things i needed to believe myself,
and more...
i saw in myself that i could not make him love me.
even now i need to let that soak in.
'i cannot make him love me'
and in fact, he may never love me.
i told ryan that i had figured out that i had been trying to make him love me...
and that i didn't want to do it anymore.
it was as if a dream had died...
and i can feel it my throat....a big, horrible lump in my throat that simply will not go away.
what girl doesn't want to dream of love and magic and marriage and happily ever after?
what girl doesn't hope for all of that one day?
and how in the world do we turn it off?
i'm hoping so badly my friends will be okay.
they're great people, and like most kids my age, simply do not want to go to all of these difficult places that take hours of conversation
constant tears
arduous work
and a promise of 'perhaps never'.
i just got home from a car trip with my father in the 35 degree weather.
on the way home, we swung by my mother's work.
he called her there to let her know we were outside...
that we had picked up dinner so she wouldn't have to...
and he was looking over her tires and car to make sure her 7 minute drive home would go safely.
gross, right?
they've been married 25 years now and i adore them.
as i've mentioned before, they've gone through hell and back
and are still trying.
i want that...for myself...desperately.
i want to believe that if i try hard enough and wait long enough and love strong enough...
that i'll have it...
but that's not how this game goes.
we never know.
ryan asked me....'to what end?'
when do i stop trying, stop waiting, stop loving...
and all i could tell him is that i have to try.
i have to give it as much as i can...
until i simply cannot take anymore.
who knows when that comes, or if it ever will,
but in this time...and in this moment...
things are good.
celebrating the little victories,
and hoping for the best.


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