best & worst of times...

there are moments when i feel overwhelmingly lonely.

yesterday was one of those days.

at the end of the christianity major at HBU they make us take two senior seminars-

one is fun (ryan's taking the one on the emergent church right now)

and the other includes an exit exam...

'everything you should have learned in the christianity major'

i was told yesterday to choose which bible verses i felt were worthy of memorizing.

this did not go over well with me.

one of my friends is in the class, and when i mentioned to him that i didn't want to memorize anything...the conversation that followed left us both a little flustered.

i felt misunderstood and alone.

later that night i attended a christmas party for ryan's fraternity.

on the way there i realized that a large amount of anxiety and andrenaline was flowing through me.

i am simply not like most of the girls i knew would be at that party.

i find myself in conversations with girls that weigh around 100 lbs. and who are complaining they can't find a pair of jeans that won't show their cellulite...

girls that start internet groups about hating people at HBU...

girls that carry purses and wear clothing that seem a bit overpriced.

now...i am guilty of these things as well.

i have way too much stuff...

and i'm mean and judgmental (obviously)...

but there are moments when i wish i was a little more ignorant of the important things going on in the world.

even the professor that allowed us to use his house for the party seemed a little out of the loop...

when i began to explain what kind of church both ryan and i go to, he seemed to have some understanding of it but still a little clueless.

he's a smart man...and social too...

so why aren't more people interested in what groups like wellspring and harbor are doing?

we know that we aren't the only way...and that others will do things how they feel best...

but the more we see how important community and an alternate way of living are...

the more i wonder why more people aren't on board.

ryan and i talked about it on the way home...

and i felt lonely.

.........................................................

at the first event i ever attended with ryan and his fraternity i met his friend named david.

actually, i had met david before...but it was the first time i adored him.

at some point during the party i ran out to my car with my friend bekah where we were stopped by a rather frail looking homeless man.

some of the boys, including ryan, were standing outside so they came over to assist.

ryan asked one of the guys to get our new friend 'tom' some of our food...

we talked with tom for awhile...

he informed us about the 'hit' that mayor bill white had on him,

how long he had been drinking,

that we were ignorant children who hadn't learned the basic fundamentals of 'sharing' and 'caring' in elementary school...

and needless to say that conversation escalated.

tom made it very clear he didn't want our 'scraps' of food,

but instead wanted money which we all refused to give.

at one point he began to circle around us and actually stepped forward to get into my quickly shrinking comfort zone...

that's when david stepped in.

all he did was make one small step...

he moved just far enough over in front of me to block tom's possible access to me.

a small step of 6 inches of concrete was huge to me...

and that's when i knew david and i would be friends.

...........................................

yesterday at the christmas party david and his new wife (pictured above) called me to let me know they had drawn ryan in the secret santa game we would be playing later that evening.

they wanted to know if i thought he would like a new cell phone...

ryan has been without one for a year.

last night, before the party, ryan had a conversation with his pastor (that he lives with) about getting a new phone...

all his debts were paid and he finally had enough money to get one.

this was a big moment for ryan...

and my heart sunk.

he wanted to get a cell phone that night...

and i had to manipulate him into not doing it.

i couldn't tell him why though...and it was hard.

i knew that his friends wanting to do this was worth ryan getting a little frustrated at me.

the couple-david and chelsea-are great people.

they've been married for a month now and had a fabulous (and i mean fabulous) wedding.

as chelsea said "they were overly blessed and wanted to bless someone else".

.....................................................

there are moments when HBU seems like a foreign land to me...

and there are times where i choke back tears because there are real people there who love others and really want to try to help when they can.

ryan has good friends...people who love him, and so do i.

we are so lucky sometimes.

and i suppose the rest...we'll understand one day.

ministry and church and community and following what we think is the best way of life...

can be long, and hard, and lonely...

but so worth it.

especially if you meet people like david and chelsea along the way.