girl growing

and a space for her to play in

Saturday, December 09, 2006


"i think i want to learn how to celebrate better..."
ryan said this to me the other night at the same party i blogged about earlier this week.
he wants someone like karen...or teach him how.
i'm wondering why some people seem to get the art of celebration much better than others.
...and why is it so hard for us to celebrate?
i think i may understand where ryan is coming from...
some of us just haven't been afforded the luxury of celebration,
but what about the rest of us that have?
that have had a life filled with celebrations...why is it so hard?
last night a bunch of us went to 'lights in the heights'.
it was a least i thought so.
i brought along a thermos full of hot chocolate and a baggy full of marshmallows.
we strolled along...checking out all the houses, the bands, the art cars....
people were carrying around their own 'red cups' full of their own favorite 'beverage'.
it was good fun.
i got to get close to people i care about...and tried to stay warm.
and somewhere in the midst i felt sad.
ryan and i had talked earlier in the day about what christmas brings for him...
being with families that are happy around christmas...
not only does it make him feel happiness inside,
but it also brings with it a lot of pain.
i think he remembers other times...
when things weren't like strolls through the heights.
christmas is hard for me in moments like that...
when i see others faces'.
when the holidays aren't completely joyous.
on adventures like the one last night...i cannot stop smiling.
i was actually skipping around.
the cold...the lights...the people i love...the hot chocolate...the carols.
i love it all.
i never want it to end.
i didn't want to see ryan sad...
i don't want him to ever have an unhappy christmas again,
but...those are things i cannot give him.
i cannot own it.
it is not mine.
the picture of us above is ironic...
behind us, on the side of someone's house, is the movie 'it's a wonderful life'.
we watched a clip of that movie at wellspring today...
and even though it chokes me up, i'm left wondering if it's real.
are there really moments and holidays that are that happy?
i'm not sure,
but i'd like to find out...whatever the truth may be.
and i'd like to learn how to celebrate better too.
there are some people that just bring an atmosphere of it with them...
every moment feels special...full of energy...
i would like to learn that art better.
and i think it's true...
celebration is a discipline.
'fun' should be something we make time for.
something we value in our healthiness.
i hope that no matter what this holiday season brings up for all of us,
that we have our moments of happiness as well.
i think that one day we will have had so many holidays that are happy...
that they outweigh the sad ones of the past.
i hope that's true...
that christmas won't be something we dread going through,
but that the songs are right...
that 'it's the best time of the year'.


Post a Comment

<< Home