help

i have my own red phone now.
karen, one of my favorite people, stumbled across a bright red phone and she thought of me.
if you remember...i posted a little while ago after visiting NASA and seeing their bright red phone.
i wanted my own...

in fact, this is what i said,

'as i listened on the tour and heard about the 'red phone' that's shown above... i began to wonder where i could get one.

i've been in a couple places lately that i think i'd like to have the choice to dial out...get a little advice...or pass things on to someone holding a much higher rank.
yes, i'd like one red phone please.'

and now i have one.

ken entered us into a conversation on sunday about thankfulness, appreciation, and gratitude.

he asked some pretty challenging questions.

for me, it's not usually that hard to say thanks to people.

i think that, as i mentioned on sunday, that sometimes it's hard for me to see the sacrifice that others have made for me.

i wonder...is it because of my own immaturity and lack of sight, or is it others unwillingness to be open with me and let me see their sacrifice?

it was hard for me to take the red phone because it's a gift.

someone was thinking about me...and sometimes i wonder why i should be so special.

it's also hard because i have finally been offered the reality i wanted: a way to call for help.

ryan and i have been having some hard conversations lately about help and why it's so hard to allow others in.

there are some that have made themselves readily available...

and yet i lie, and tell them that i'll call them if i need them.

like lita said on sunday, 'i would rather drown in the ocean than have someone save me.'

i'm also left wondering why it is so hard to accept others thankfulness.

i feel sheepish and silly for a good deed done.

i'd rather just do it and run away...and never have them say thanks.

why?

i'm thinking that perhaps by them saying thank you, i'm admitting some vulnerability.

me accepting their thankfulness says that i needed to be thanked, or even more...wanted to be thanked.

and maybe it's just that when we truly admit thankfulness or accept it...we're becoming intimate.

we're having feelings, and who likes feelings?

it's hard to soak it in and be content just knowing that we are worthy to be treated and to be thanked.

i'm so thankful for karen and her red phone,

and yet part of me wants to leave it in a dark corner in my room and pretend it's not there.

it's presence is reminding me that i need to reach out to others...especially those who can really help me.

there are people in my life that are going through some hard things right now...and i'd hate to bother them with my own life's junk (which in comparison seems almost silly).

ryan is constantly reminding me that those people care about me...and want to help me.

but i don't want to admit help.

i don't want to show the chink in my armor.

i don't want to become vulnerable.

i don't want to become intimate.

i don't want to say thanks.

i don't want to be disappointed when others act as normal humans and fail...and feel...

and

i'm a control freak.

i'd like to believe that i can figure all this out on my own,

but yet i readily admit with my mouth that i can't.

do i believe that i want help, or need it?

i'm not sure.

i'm thinking not...seeing as how that red phone is so intimidating.

so it's hard...

this is hard,

life...is hard.

but i've heard it can be better.

there are people i want to say 'thanks' to...and so hopefully i'll spend some time this week doing that.

there are people that i should probably let know i've made a sacrifice for...

maybe i haven't been honest about the effort and work i've spent for them...

maybe i really wanted to be thanked too.

there are also people i need to call...

and tell them i need their help,

even if all that means is to listen.

perhaps i should pull that red phone out of that dark corner too...

it would have made a nice picture for this blog.