forsaken

i should really be sleeping right now.

that, or writing that speech that was technically due last friday but seeing as how i skipped class to go to dr. gorman's lectures...i didn't go or give my speech.

too many things to do...

so today in church the topic was God's love...

i've been thinking about it all week trying to prepare for the visual aid and a line from the movie 'closer' kept coming to mind so i used it.

it's the part near the end of the movie where jude law is telling natalie portman that he loves her but she's crying and saying something to the effect of...

'i hear you say you love me but where is this love? i can't see it...i can't touch it...i certainly can't feel it...'

that's how i feel right now.

the verse we're at in john is where jesus is saying that in the same way that the father loves him, he loves us.

a lot of us found this to be kind of funny seeing as how jesus didn't exactly have the best examples of a father showing love...

illegitimate birth

born in a dirty manger

family disowned him

hated

beaten

crucified

not exactly what i would be running around boasting about.

'i hear you say you love me...but i can't see it, touch it, or feel it.'

that's what i think i'd have been saying if i was j.c.

which is where i've been in my thoughts all week...

at the end...where jesus is crying out,

'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"

...why have you forsaken me...

or in the message,

...why have you abandoned me...

who knows what happened between jesus and God that we don't get to read about in the bible.

all those missing interactions we'll never get to know.

and who knows what jesus meant when he was crying out to God.

perhaps he wondered where that love was when he needed it most...

sometimes i wonder why i go to church right now seeing as how God and i are kinda on the outs.

i wonder why i do the visual aid and the power points on some sundays.

i read the lyrics in the worship songs...

lines about 'knowing God's presence' and 'hearing me when i call'

i'd like to believe that

i certainly haven't made the decision that i don't believe it...i just don't know what i believe

which is a really scary place

control freaks like me would like to have one or the other...belief or non-belief.

the in between is unacceptable.

i can barely handle it...if at all.

tonight ryan told me that perhaps the reason that i go to church and do the power point or visual aid is because deep down i do believe in...something.

im attracted to something...or drawn to something.

then he said...'the faith of a mustard seed'.

now...no matter how many times i've quoted that verse, i've never known what it meant.

i thought it was reserved for the terrible term 'baby christian'.

(yes, it's horrible and no one should use it...it's condescending and mean. some of us that have been around God and jesus for a fair amount of time are still babies)

but now i think i understand the mustard seed.

this is what it feels like.

and although it was completely my decision to suspend God until i know what i believe...

i'm feeling slightly abandoned.

like as if i just got in an argument and told someone to go away and that i wanted to be alone...

but really didn't.

i don't want to be alone.

what sucks is patience and waiting all of this out...

but i'm glad that i live in a place that says that i can question things...even God.

that perhaps even jesus wasn't totally convinced or happy or comfortable or confident in everything.

that perhaps even jesus had to question God...or at least get a lil upset.

i don't think that when jesus was hanging up there on the cross he just kinda said those words...

like he didn't mean them.

i think he really felt it.

felt the abandonment...felt the loneliness.

it's a scary place.

and so...i have my questions and my doubts and my fears...

but i also have my mustard seed,

and i plan on carrying it around in my pocket for awhile.

i wanna see what happens to it...

who knows, maybe it'll grow.