graduation

so, i made it.

i will officially graduate from college this saturday.

it's kind of...surreal.

last friday i walked into my classroom to take my last final...

i was the only student there

(graduating seniors get to take finals early).

i sat down and began to write,

but in the middle of it...in the middle of the silence...

the weight of not knowing what i'm going to do when i finished set in.

i nearly went into a panic attack,

which is something that i have yet to ever experience but was still terribly scary.

i sat there for a bit...calmed down...and finished my final.

after turning my test in i walked out to the parking lot toward my car.

i think i lingered a bit longer than normal as i strolled on...

it was a beautiful day and i kept looking around for someone i knew...

someone i could tell...

someone i could share the moment with,

but no one was to be found.

so i got in my car and left feeling kind of sad...and pretty alone.

i didn't know what to think or have any clue what to do with myself.

as i drove out the big arching gates of my university i noticed a policeman on a motorcycle heading toward me down the opposite side of the street.

i figured he was chasing after some speeder and so i proceeded to pull out onto the street.

instead of continuing on, he stopped in the middle of the intersection, raised his hand to halt me and blew his whistle.

i slammed on the breaks in shock and waited for some direction from the officer.

then i realized what was going on...

from behind him came a hearse.

so there i was, pulling out of my university in the middle of an intersection blocking traffic, waiting on a hearse and funeral procession to go by.

what imagery.

i sat there and had to wait the agonizing couple of minutes in sheer embarrassment.

i was forced to recognize that this was the last time i would exit out these gates as a student.

i was done,

and i had no idea where i was going.

a chapter in my life had finished,

and i wasn't sure if i was ready to let it die.

....................................

a few weeks ago my therapist asked me why i'm not more excited about graduation.

part of the reason is that i have a lot going on-

i'm still doing therapy and working on getting some healing

(reading the book 'hunger for healing'...it's a bitch, but great)

and the boyfriend and i came back from the 3 month break and we're still working as hard as ever on who we are as individuals and as a couple.

plus i've got my little sister's wedding, for which i've made all the invitations, thank-you cards, and scrapbooks...

and she's also graduating the same day i am.

i will graduate before my little sister by 6 hours.

yes, that is some sort of achievement.

the thing is, i've never really liked that kind of attention.

i've noticed recently that as i watch people being celebrated-

like at weddings or showers-

that i cringe.

the attention being poured upon someone else is almost unbearable for me to watch.

that's part of the reason why being celebrated is hard...

the other part is my upbringing: somne holidays were hard holidays with my mother-

especially events like birthdays,

so all of this brings up some 'junk' of mine.

another part is that i'm not entirely proud of my degrees-

i'm proud of my sociology major,

but not so much about my christianity major & half my credits in the masters of theology

(which i gave up on finishing)

which brings me back to my conversations with my therapist...

she told me that 'i guess it took you 5 years to realize that you never wanted to have a degree in christianity or theology, and that's okay. that's your journey. you got where you need to be'.

so it's frustrating that i've figured this out after the fact.

probably would have saved me some time and money,

but perhaps she's right.

i told her that maybe i had to un-learn everything i thought i knew and wanted to know.

so now i'm left wondering what the hell i'm going to do with myself now that i've gotten a degree and should be ready to do something with myself.

i've applied for a fellowship with city hall and a position with a 'green' park downtown and neither have worked out.

i'm left wondering what the problem is-

i know i'm a smart, capable person, so what's the hold up?

my friends shannon hopkins and jess strickler have offered to let me travel around europe with them for 3 months working on some of the projects they've got going and the 'tessera' learning trail that's been developed,

and my parents have agreed to help me take the trip...

so that's what i'm going to do...

and hope that i find a little bit more of myself and a chance to breath and process.

...and maybe do some much needed blogging :)