afraid

it's been a month since i blogged last...and in 'blogworld', that's a pretty long time.

it's not that i haven't had things to say...i tend to just wait for really poignant moments.

last night i had one of those moments.

..........

i spent the whole weekend at the bastrop state park having fun with my friends that i know through ryan's fraternity.

above is a picture i took on one of our hikes.

they're a great group of people and it was a refreshing vacation for all of us.

we sat by the fire, we played games, we saw old brewery ruins, and most of all we just relaxed.

the only thing missing was ryan.

he had come to some conclusions and realized some responsibilities, so he stayed behind.

he and i are still on our break and we hadn't seen each other for two weeks.

the weekend came to a close sunday morning and my car was all packed to drive myself and three other friends home...

when i realized i couldn't find my car keys.

we unpacked a lot of the stuff and searched through the cabins again...

finally we crammed ourselves and as much of our stuff as we could into other cars and made the two hour drive back to houston.

i dreaded making a phone call to whoever i would ask to drive me back once i got the spare key.

eventually i gave in and called ryan.

the next few hours were spent in high anxiety and a fight ensued between he and i.

it was mostly filled with a breakdown in communication and a lot of fears were dug up.

i won't give you the gory details and i'll fast forward to my point of clarity:

i don't want ryan to like me.

last night i told him, again, that i felt like he wasn't 'thinking about me' when he made certain decisions and that sometimes i don't feel like he really likes me.

he told me that sometimes he doesn't think i want him to like me.

when he said it, my tears stopped and i was awestruck that he could say something like that.

why on earth would i not want him to like me?

what would cause him to say such an awful thing?

i sat there silent for awhile...

and i realized that he was right.

i don't.

i don't want him to like me because i'm afraid that if i'm truthful and i really let him see who i am, that he won't like me.

sometimes i don't like myself...and the cycle is driving me crazy.

it all comes down to fears...and the truth that i am terribly afraid of him...

and of me.

i told him that i just wished it didn't hurt so bad...the pain inside of me.

and he told me that the pain had nothing to do with him.

i realized he was right again.

............................................

i love the abc primetime series 'grey's anatomy'.

i watch it every thursday...i go online and track down all the music they use in the show...and i re-read the quotes of their episodes.

i think their writers are brilliant (wish they'd get off that damn strike, however),

but there are times when i absolutely hate the main character, meredith grey.

she is whiney, and annoying, and a complete basket-case. 

she's also an ACOA-Adult Child of an Alcoholic. 

(her step-sister mentions her own issues with co-dependency b/c of being an ACOA in the most recent episode)

sometimes i wish i could punch meredith in the face.

in last thursday's episode she broke up with her boyfriend.

well, they broke up with each other.

he had previously told her that he wanted to marry her and was even beginning to look at plans for building a new house.

she freaked out.

she told him the reason she freaks out is because he does things that cause her not to trust him.

he told her that she'd never trust him because she can't trust anyone.

she turned and walked away...and that's where they left it.

....................................

there was an evening over the christmas break when ryan and i were supposed to hang out, but due to another one of our communication errors we ended up not being able to.

he made other plans and i was left frustrated at myself and overly angry at him.

i went to bed fuming and sent him some really angry text messages.

i had been telling him for the past few months that i wanted to trust him, 

but that night i finally realized that i was telling us both a lie.

i told him that, if i'm really honest, i don't want to trust him.

i then proceeded to list off all the terrible things i thought he was doing instead of hanging out with me.

i'd rather believe the terrible lies that i tell myself instead of trying to trust him.

i regretted saying all of that, of course i did, but i also felt a huge relief:

i had finally been honest with myself and with him.

i had finally said what i had been hiding for the last few months.

i had finally looked my fears straight in the face...

and i hated them more than i hated anything else.

i finally had control over when was stirring beneath the surface,

and i was finally able to take a step forward.

i felt bad for unleashing on ryan and throwing up all my ugliness,

but i was also able to realize just how afraid of everything i am.

...and i mean everything.

most of my friends don't believe that i could be a person so afraid of the world-

i come across as a really articulate, thinking, and honest person.

but somewhere deep in the crevices i hide some pretty ugly fears,

and i don't want to do it anymore.

i don't want to be afraid...

i don't want to be unable to trust anyone...

i don't want to dislike myself or force ryan to not like me either...

i want to be whole,

to stop feeling so crazy all the time.

and i guess perhaps they're right...

and the only way through something is to go through it.