balance

on tuesday night i was sat at my desk and my ymca's wellness director came by to check on me.

i had mentioned in our staff meeting earlier that day that i had placed by new school/work schedule on my desk.

i had created an excel file, color-coordinated for when i had class, work, and personal time such as church and therapy.

she asked what the white boxes were.

i told her it was my free time.

in all, there were 10 hours of free time during the week.

she told me she was scared for me...

that i was out of balance...

and that it couldn't last long.

i just sat there, appalled.

everyone else at work had been telling me about how they had worked and gone to school at the same time, and that i shouldn't stress out-they had done it too.

she was the first one to show any concern about me...or my health.

when i came out of the shock from what she had said,

i saw it...

just because i could do it, didn't mean i should.

just because they had done it, didn't mean i should.

no, the emperor wasn't wearing any clothes...

and soon, i wouldn't be either.

lately i've felt like one of those people in the circus,

the ones with the poles and plates spinning on them.

i was trying to balance more than a full course load at school,

40+ hours at work with a boss that's one of my best friends and yet in three months never complimented any of my hard work,

this 'fast' from ryan,

the holidays,

roommates,

and my very crazy family.

one of those plates had to fall.

i called my dad the night i had this revelation.

he told me that at this time in my life i've got three major areas to keep healthy:

work life,

social life,

and my school life.

if two out of three are working then i should be able to deal with the one that isn't.

i was 3 for 3.

so i quit my job.

i'm still dealing with what that means.

part of me feels like a failure,

like i couldn't follow through.

i love the kids i work with,

and now i wonder if i've abandoned them.

that i couldn't just suck it up...

that i couldn't make it work...

that i complain too much...

and then part of me is heaving this big sigh of relief that it's all over.

it's saturday and i've been watching tv all morning.

i don't know when the last time i got to do that was.

i want to rest.

i want to play with my friends.

i want to enjoy school and do well so i can graduate in may.

i want to put forth the time that it takes for inner healing and growth.

maybe now i can.

maybe now i can finally breathe.