fast

my senior year of high school i decided to go on a 40+ day fast for lent.

i did a liquid fast...meaning i only accepted things that could be liquefied or was already in liquid form.

when my mother asked what i wanted on easter when i could finally eat, 

i told her chocolate cake. 

once i put those words into existence all i could think about was that damn cake.

i could taste it in my mouth as i sat drinking my chicken broth and juice.

finally easter did come...

and the cake no longer mattered.

perhaps i was tired from wanting it so bad,

or over the hype,

or maybe i had grown in some way...

either way, i didn't really want the cake after all.

however, i did end up eating a small piece eventually,

and got a tummy ache too.

...........................

ryan and i decided to go see my therapist before we fully embarked on this 'break' we're taking.

she told us that perhaps we should think of this time as a 'fast'...

from each other, from the relationship.

i think that she might be right...

that might be a better way of thinking about this.

like ryan said, 'break is two letters away from break-up',

and it doesn't seem like either of us wants that right now.

so...we're fasting.

just like when i felt the hunger pains of my fasting during lent,

i can feel my insides grumbling from the lack of ryan.

i don't know if many people really think and examine what their bodies do when they feel hungry,

but being a student and working at the same time does not always afford a perfect lunch/dinner hour...

and so there are times when i just get to sit there and be hungry.

i can feel the hunger starting in my stomach...

it starts with this pain that slowly increases...

and then it finally, finally, finally breaks...

and my stomach growls. 

i hate that moment before the growl.

it feels like a wave out in the ocean that is increasing speed and height as it travels...

and then eventually it crashes down...

relief.

yesterday was thanksgiving and like many others across the country,

i sat, waiting, unfed until the massive feast was ready.

the hunger pains immense,

but the wait well worth it.

that's where i'm at right now.

ryan and i won't speak for the next 2-3 weeks.

the silence and the absence is building...

and one day it will break.

that's why the 2-3 weeks...

i hope it takes about that long.

i know that seeing him again is like that chocolate cake...

i know right now i think i need it and have to have it...

but i'm hoping that whatever happened during that 40 day fast-

obedience, maturity, growth-

whatever it was, i'm hoping i gain the same things in this fast.

too bad it won't be 'fast' as well...

instead, it will be slow and painful,

and the struggle will not be easy.

sigh.

today is a day that makes me hate growing up.