purge

there are some events in life that bring us out of our self-induced comas...

today was one of those days.

i was on my way back from picking up dessert for harbor when i spotted something ahead of me in the road.

i thought to myself, 'what now...?'

i wondered if someone had allowed their trash to fall into the middle of the road,

or if someone was biking and had decided to park themselves right in my path...

(this is montrose after all)

but it wasn't...

it was a young, black female...17 to be exact.

she way laying across the road...

and there was something red all around her on the ground.

i looked across the intersection to see if anyone else was around...

a white woman was down the street on her phone-

looking at the girl in the road,

and looking at me.

i looked left...

i looked right...

i looked left and right again...

no cars.

i parked myself outside of an apartment complex next to the road the girl was lying on.

without even looking toward the girl i reached in the back of my car and pulled out a pillow and removed the pillowcase...

my $10 pillowcase,

and i hurried toward the girl.

suddenly i was in ymca-first-aid-mode.

surveyed the scene: no glass, no cars, just blood on the ground all around that looked as if someone had dumped a whole gallon of paint around her...literally.

the girl was screaming...

she was trying her best to cover a wound on her wrist with her small purse...

i thought, 'this girl is dying...right here...right now'.

i got her to pull her purse away and there, next to her dark brown skin and bright red blood...was white bone.

she had slit her wrist that deep.

turns out she had been crawling out a window...

trying to get away from a man that was trying to rape her.

who knows if the story is true,

but her wrist was cut, her legs and jeans and her whole body were sliced up,

and it really didn't matter...still doesn't i guess.

i got her to elevate her hand...

tried to get her to stay still...

and pinched the artery in her arm...

for 15 minutes.

cars kept driving by and i think some people eventually stopped-

i'm not sure...they certainly didn't speak to me.

she screamed, she kicked, she cried.

blood was on my hands...

it was on my feet...

it was on my jeans.

finally the ambulance and fire truck arrived.

i was barely able to let go...

my knuckles were white and it was hard to release my cramped hand.

they asked me what had happened and i tried my best to say.

i stood there a few minutes before someone offered me some alcohol wipes and i began to remove the blood as best i could.

then i got in my car...

and i drove the remaining 4 minutes to ryan's.

i got out of my car and i grabbed the dessert contents,

and i went inside.

i took them upstairs and when someone asked me what was wrong...

i snapped.

i couldn't speak...

i began to cry...

i ran downstairs to ryan's room and flipped the light on.

the poor boy was lying there in bed asleep and my crying burst into his room woke him.

i grabbed a pair of basketball shorts out of his drawer and ran to the bathroom...

he asked me what was wrong...

and i couldn't say a thing.

i went to the bathroom and instantly began washing my hands...

furiously...

over and over again.

i couldn't stop shaking.

i cried.

it was one of the scariest experiences of my life.

i have never freaked out and been unable to control my body like that...

i have never been so scared.

i would eventually tell ryan and the rest of harbor what had happened,

but in that moment all i could see was blood...

...and then i threw up.

.......................................

my therapist told me recently in one of our sessions that i am at a point in my life where i am 'purging all the ugly history out'.

it's coming out in all kinds of crazy ways...

i break up with ryan every 3 days...

i withdraw from everyone...

i take on school, a full-time job at the Y, two faith communities, living with roommates for the first time, therapy, and an intense relationship with my boyfriend.

i'm avoiding.

one night at the beginning of this new schedule i found myself in another fight with ryan...

after promising myself again that i wouldn't break up with him,

i found myself doing it again.

this time he turned his phone off.

all the mean words i had wanted to say disappeared.

i was alone.

no one was home in the apartment...

i finally gathered myself enough to make it to the shower,

and i cried and cried.

eventually i laid down on the tub floor...

i curled into a fetal position...

and my crying began to resemble something more like dry heaving.

something inside of me was coming out...

it hurt like hell,

but after an hour and half of a shower...

i felt better,

and things have been a little easier between us since then.

...........................

who knows why today happened like it did,

or how much longer this 'purging' is going to take for me.

i don't want to withdraw away...

i don't want to be absent-even from a silly thing like a blog.

but i am,

and thanks to my friends who have kept encouraging me.

even when i don't respond,

i hope you know i'm listening.

pray for that girl...

i'll never know if she lived or not.

i hope she does.

i hope her life can become better than that moment i witnessed.

even though things like that happen everyday in montrose and other cities,

i'm a small white girl from the burbs-

and i've never seen shit like that.

i hope i never do again.

and i hope that i continue to live a life that can do something about situations like today.

that in the end, my life and my choices mean something.

i hope so.