girl growing

and a space for her to play in

Sunday, July 01, 2007

one of those days

i've been wanting to blog all summer...
there isn't a day that i don't come home and want to do it,
but i just haven't had the energy.
i'm working back at the YMCA with 12-16 year olds...
trying to help them grow up and teach them about the world.
we've helped at assisted living centers, read to elementary school kids, gone to a farmer's market, and will soon help at interfaith ministries by packing pet food for senior citizens and then to the food bank.
we have a little fun along the way, but for the most part they'd rather play with their ipods and oogle the opposite sex.
i suppose i did at that age too.
i'm also trying to teach them about politics and get them interested in what's going on in the world.
once a week we pull out a newspaper and find one thing that's important to us...
that's a trip...
and recently john edwards (who's vying for the presidency in case some of you adults don't know) visited houston and we got to hear what he's planning for the US.
we're out in the hot sun most days...and half the time they hate me for making them work.
ohhhh i love my job.
but then there are days where the kids actually make me beam with joy.
i've never beamed before, and it's a great feeling.
and just like that it's over and they're back to driving my crazy.
i do it alone too...which means no vacation.
i'm the only one with up to 12 kids at a time.
it can get pretty daunting sometimes.
i've also started therapy.
i'm learning a lot about myself...i wish i didn't have to go see a doctor to do it...but nonetheless i'm there and i'm learning.
there's really too much to unpack at the present moment...but i'm there, working it all out.
and then there's today...
my father just came upstairs to tell me that my grandmother died today.
he said it very matter-of-factly.
my father had a pretty twisted upbringing, so i don't really expect much else, but still...
my brother and i just kind of sat there, emotionless.
even now, i don't really know how i feel.
i'm sure my therapist will love that.
then earlier today i found out my brother and sister have been keeping some pretty big secrets and have been telling some pretty big lies to me.
i feel deceived, and a little scared for them.
i suppose that the big sister can't continue taking responsibility forever.
i suppose.
and then later i had a messy blow out with someone from church.
community is ugly sometimes, and i don't intend upon bringing it into the blog,
just know it sucked.
i wish it didn't take a shitty day like this to get me to blog,
but it did.
days like today make your foundation rumble and for a control freak like me...
that doesn't sit well.
so what does one do when they feel as if they're splitting down the middle...
as if they're falling apart...
very helpless, very hurt, very alone?
maybe they pray...
if you know me, you know that's the last thing on earth i want to do.
as i said in church a few weeks ago...i hate praying. i really, really do.
but i'm hoping that something much bigger than myself can get a grip on all this...
can settle my nerves and at least get me to sleep tonight.


Blogger Jim said...

Sorry to hear about your grand mom and about all the other stuff you are facing these days, growing girl. I hope that in the face of all this turmoil you will do what you said - be still long enough to bring all the pain and anxiety fully into the presence of God. Scary, I know. But being the person of courage that I've come to know you to be, I'm confident you'll do the scary thing.

1:06 PM  
Blogger KC said...

The prayer you've written is beautiful ... 'cause you know there are those who would say that that's exactly what this is . . . ? I know that some of my best prayers sounded something like, "Oh God!" and that was about all I could muster. Consider yourself hugged virtually since I can be with you in all the losses you're facing right now and I'll make it a real one just as soon as we can!

1:22 PM  
Blogger KC said...

I meant "can't be with you" ...

1:23 PM  
Blogger texelct said...

You remember those times when I teased you about getting a real job? Well, I'm sorry. Being with 12-16 year olds all day is more job than I can imagine. Ha!! I've got enough trouble with one.

OK, Now serious....Once again you honor us with a piece of you. Thanks for that.
I'm rootin' for you.

5:02 PM  
Blogger Greg the Explorer said...

Girl Growing I came over to your blog from Mark Berry's where he has used one of your blessings (I intend using it at our community gathering this Sunday). I am glad I came over, your blesings and prayers (for one who doesn't like to pray) are beautiful.

Being a stranger I won't leave any sage advise (although I am incredibly wise and no doubt you would benefit immeasurably :wink:). You will be in my thoughts and prayers (altough I'm not much of a prayer either!

5:43 AM  
Blogger Jim said...

So, I've got to say, your blog has become one of my favorites. I've checked it several times since this post about your summer and your grandmother's death - hoping that you'd written again.

Thanks for the very affirming words you said to me last night during our small group prayer time. They were life giving.

1:53 PM  
Blogger CzechFest said...

JA-You are the apple of God's eye, it does not get any better than His presence and that embrace!I pray that thought for you from this prayer below.

4 I have followed your commands, which have kept me from going along with cruel and evil people. 5 My steps have stayed on your path; I have not wavered from following you. 6 I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray. 7 Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways. You save with your strength those who seek refuge from their enemies.
8 Guard me as the apple of your eye. Hide me in the shadow of your wings.

7:28 PM  

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