girl growing

and a space for her to play in

Monday, April 16, 2007

a meal

i usually just post the blessing each week, but this past week has got me thinking.
at wellspring we discussed the meals that jesus shared...
that perhaps jesus wasn't as black and white as we choose to be-
that he didn't just spend time and say profound things in the synagogue,
but instead chose to share, reveal, be intimate in some of the most common settings,
particularly the dinner table.
karen made the point that there's a chance that jesus shared his meal and grabbed the first things provided to him at that passover meal when he told his followers to remember him.
and so...our little group met and shared some singing and worship and then we ventured over to the shuman's for a cook out.
we spent time with each other and even broke bread and shared a glass of wine together.
later that night, some of us sat around the table and shared some pretty sacred stories.
i found myself wondering out loud during our gathering...
when we ask someone out for a meal,
are we not really asking for them to spend time with engage in intimacy?
is it not the same with coffee or any other event?
and i wonder why it is so hard to not just call it what it invitation to be with me,
to share with me,
and for me to possibly reveal part of myself.
and why is it that we choose to only reveal those parts to some?
it is easier to share myself with people like me and those i perceive will accept me,
but i so often refuse intimacy with those that are more risky.
i would like that to not be the case any longer.
as i blogged about earlier,
i made the trip with ryan and my parents to austin last week.
we all met for dinner...myself, ryan, my parents, my sister and her roommate.
we sat around the table and shared some great pizza and laughs.
at some point the conversation turned to what we used to do as kids growing up around the dinner table.
we recalled the games we'd play, the etiquette book we read out of, some of the stories we told.
and in a moment i was instantly sad...
i didn't remember those details most of the time.
i remember the yelling, and the loneliness, and the confusion.
i caught eyes with my sister at one point during all this...
and we both just kind of shrugged and gave each other a half grin.
we knew.
we remembered.
but we both wanted to forget the bad times
and remember the good.
a lot of that is still welled up inside me,
and i'm learning how to remember it, to feel it, and to let it out.
i'm learning that meals are much more than just nourishment,
that serious memories and experiences come from a dinner table...
the good
and the bad.
i'm learning that i have to choose to share myself with people...
that sometimes it's easy to gradually know someone,
and other times it's takes some pretty intentional effort.
i'm learning that some pretty shitty things happened growing up,
and that i've had some pent-up emotion that at some point needs to be resolved...
and perhaps that time is now.
...for those of you who stumble upon this blog on occasion,
know that i'm not crazy.
i'm not always a basket-case.
i know my parents and my family love me,
but like most,
things didn't go as smoothly as one would have liked.
i just want to get it all out...
remember it...
see my life for what it is...
and then maybe i can truly know myself.
who knows if that's the right way to think or go about it...
i'm a kid,
and i'm just beginning to understand the world.
and's our blessing:
be blessed
as you choose togetherness.
as you battle the lines between
the orthodox and the ordinary,
the spiritual and the secular,
the holy and the human.
be blessed
as you choose to make the steps
to reach out
to share your heights and depths
make the sacrifice of your 'safe space'...
keeping others at a distance,
close enough for presence
yet far enough to remain unscathed
by the messiness of relationships.
be blessed
as you seek to be holistic.
as you feel your heart strangely warmed
by the joys of feeling understood
and no longer alone.
choosing not to separate,
but to be opened and made whole.
share enough to memorize the details of others' faces...
break the bread
break down the barriers
and break into intimacy.


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