girl growing

and a space for her to play in

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

quiet

it's early...
too early to be awake already,
but i can't sleep anymore.
the realization that i'm leaving for my little 'trip' has finally set in.
i'll be in complete silence for the next four days...
and that starts in a few hours.
to be honest...
i just want to cry.
i'm already homesick...i'm already missing everyone...i'm already wanting to call ryan.
this is something i've been really excited about,
but now that it's finally here...
part of me doesn't want it.
i'm scared.
not because i've built it up so much and i'm expecting something huge,
and not because i'm afraid of what i might find out...
i really have no idea why i am.
i just know that i am and it's not for those reasons.
i think that this is kind of a 'sink-or-swim' moment for me.
i think i've been treading water before this...
not wanting to commit...not wanting to put in the time and effort...not wanting to try,
but i'm exhausted.
i don't want to tread anymore.
the weight of carrying my own body is getting too damn hard,
and i'd like a little rest.
so i'm committing to this weekend,
and i'm deciding to rest if nothing else.
i'm just sick of living in flux, in limbo, in not knowing.
some of that will be resolved,
and some of it never will,
but i'm going to spend some time trying.
think of me...
i'll be thinking of all of you.

7 Comments:

Blogger Ken Shuman said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7:50 AM  
Blogger Ken Shuman said...

I'm proud of you for having the courage to do this. I know it's scary and it's easier to run from our fears. I'm proud of you for pursuing rather than just whining. Whining feels so much better. I'm proud of you for growing rather than just playing. Playing is much more fun.

You have some enormous gifts. I love you just the way you are, but I also can't wait to see what you become.

7:56 AM  
Blogger KC said...

Ken says it well. . . .Can't wait to hear all about your silence . . .

10:16 AM  
Blogger texelct said...

Me too!

3:27 PM  
Blogger Rodney said...

Amen. I heart you.

4:00 PM  
Blogger sandcastlz0511 said...

You are pretty amazing ladybug. I'm glad to have you as a friend and as part of our community. You bring so much to it. No doubt you're kind of apprehensive about going...but, still...you are going. That in itself takes a lot of courage. Can't wait to hear about your experience! Julie B.

6:44 PM  
Blogger Rodney said...

I can't wait to hear what happened!!!!

8:13 AM  

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