girl growing

and a space for her to play in

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

fortune

'do not give up; the beginning is always the hardest'


i don't like foods that end in 'ese'...
chinese
japanese
vietnamese
i'm not really sure why,
but i also don't like most meats, so i suppose that makes me unamerican as well.
today i ventured out and had some fried rice with some friends,
and above was my fortune...or proverb.
how perfectly fitting.
..............................................
a couple of weeks ago i shared my story with some friends,
and ever since then it's as if a floodgate of memories and feelings have been opened.
my sister and i have talked on the phone more...recalling most of it,
and while she visited over easter (and her 21st birthday) we found ourselves in the car on the way to a hair appointment, discussing 'healing', and suddenly we both were crying.
my friend marsha sent me this quote right after our retreat weekend:


"far too many of us had to learn as children to hide our own feelings,
needs and memories skillfully in order to meet our parents' expectations and win their 'love'. when i used the word 'gifted' in the title,
i had in mind neither children who receive high grades in school
nor children talented in a special way.
i simply meant all of us who have survived an abusive childhood
thanks to an ability to adapt even to unspeakable cruelty by becoming numb.
without this gift offered us by Nature, we would not have survived."
drama of the gifted child ~ alice miller


i wonder about kids that are put in tough childhoods-
perhaps all of us were at some level.
how some of us allow the hurt and anger to consume us,
becoming much like the parent we resent,
and others become, as miller says, numb.
we ignore and forget.
then one day it all comes back.
it is as if i had my hand stuck in a block of ice...
freezing both time and feeling,
it became numb and at some point stopped hurting from the dulling cold.
and now, it is thawing.
it is a slow, painful, cracking thaw,
and i wish it were different.
it should have never been this way,
but it is.
...........................................
ryan and i are coming up on 8 months of dating...
it feels like so much longer.
much of our relationship is exhaustingly hard.
there are days where i wish i didn't like him...
wish he were different...
that i were different too.
then there are other days that i wouldn't have it any different.
we are constantly working through the shit...
the stuff that we bring with us to the table.
it is hard hearing him say that he doesn't know that he actually 'feels feelings'
or that he ever will,
and it's hard to tell him that i don't trust a word he says half the time
and that i believe he'll hurt me like i was hurt growing up.
honesty can be suffocating.
remembering and healing can be suffocating.
learning and growing can be suffocating.
from an outsiders' perspective i'm sure that it would be hard to see the worth in most of this,
and there are moments when i wonder if we're not doing each other more harm than good.
i want to believe that the only way we'll get better is by learning from each other,
and that healing can only take place in relationship with the many others around.
i can only hope that it gets better.
that my fortune is right...
and that the beginning is the hardest.
that together we can begin to warm each other in the thawing,
and help each other along when it would be much easier to remain numb.
i would ask that all of you would think of us from time to time,
and maybe even send a little wisdom our way.

5 Comments:

Blogger texelct said...

We all have an audience in our lives. Some folks have front row seats, involved in your life first hand, like your mom and dad or brother and sister. Others, like your friends or school mates, are involved in your life daily and fill the other seats close to the stage.
I'm in the balconey. You can't always see me but you can bet I'm there. Cheering you on through the good times and hurting with you in the bad.
I don't have any advice (you'll get enough of that) but always know, I'm in the balconey along with many others were watching the girl growing.

4:54 PM  
Blogger juli said...

sigh. i can always count on you to have a kind word mark...thanks for that :) you are always much more eloquent than i think you believe yourself to be.

10:18 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

My wife and I will pray for you. You are very fortunate to have the community that you do. You are right to hope.

6:41 AM  
Blogger CzechFest said...

juli- this past Sunday I heard my mother tell my wife about some childhood memories, very bad ones about me going blind on several different occasions from the age of 2-18 and a scare even as recent as last year. These memories even today well up in me and produce things like: fear of rejection, fear of failure, indirect communication, and others. I can relate to the freezing and thawing aspect emotionally of past physical trauma. My hope is in a "wholeness" that I know God wants me to have, it’s not a removing of these memories but an infusion of the opposites of my fears- God's love,joy,peace. Come Holy Spirit come!

7:55 AM  
Blogger juli said...

thanks eric and robert. it's so wonderful to know that there are people out there listening.

1:29 PM  

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