play

this weekend ryan and i made the long drive to austin to visit my sister.

it was a good...and a hard trip.

we both hate disappointing people.

we hate being pulled in so many directions.

part of me didn't want to go see my sister...

mostly because of the cost of gas,

because i had a really rough week,

and because i had so many things still left to do.

i didn't want to disappoint her or my family.

ryan goes through the same thing...

never wanting to miss hanging out in community,

not wanting to disappoint anyone there.

it's hard wondering and not knowing.

when to go and when to stay.

when to spend time here or there.

wondering what is the most valuable thing i can do with my time.

it's hard too, because we would both be missing church throughout the next week because of a wedding, a golf shower, and a birthday.

so many things to do...and so many people we don't want to disappoint.

right before we left on our trip i got a call from my pastor/mentor/friend ken.

he and i chatted about my hard week and how i was feeling.

he asked some tough questions about whether ryan and i ever spend time enjoying each other.

i felt like i was going to have an emotional breakdown.

it suddenly became very clear to me that we needed to just stop,

just spend time together,

and it was hard to ask him to make that important.

and so we spent 6 hours in the car together,

spent time with my sister and my family,

and we were silly and playful with each other.

it's hard for me to justify time spent like that,

and even now i feel some anxiety about it.

who knows if it was right to leave or if we should've stayed-

been with our communities,

written our papers and gotten work done,

saved some money.

but we went,

and even though most of the time was spent just being quiet and listening to music in the car,

it was healing,

and part of me feels like i can breathe again,

and make it through another week.