girl growing

and a space for her to play in

Monday, July 30, 2007

my politik

tonight is one of those nights i know i should be sleeping.
instead, i'm up.
listening to the gritty sound of amy whinehouse...
wondering how i too can be as self-destructive as she.
it must be a gift, i've concluded,
to simply not care.
and tonight i really wish i could write...
write something profound,
something beautiful,
something that would settle the crashing in my head.
a crashing similar to chris martin's fingers slamming on the keys of a piano in a great crescendo within one of coldplay's songs that makes you lose yourself,
lose feeling,
lose reality.
head spinning until finally the crescendo slows...
painfully slows,
and you're left with the ringing in your ears.
wishing it would go away long enough so that you might be able to sleep.
it's a beautiful crashing, i suppose.
in recent days i've felt myself and my current reality
begin to spin drastically off course.
much like the clicking of a roller coaster up a steep hill...
i'm gripping the seat tightly-knuckles white-
heart pounding,
eyes and teeth clenched shut,
wondering, if but only for a moment, if this could be the end.
and then the free fall.
the weightlessness.
suddenly my future plans-
school, work, family,
are flying by me.
what i thought was rock and stone,
is now air rushing past me.
the things i thought i had figured out
are now just blurs of color and shape.
it's an amazing feeling to know that the world, quite literally, is at your feet,
and is perhaps rushing up to meet me a bit quicker than i might like.
but things are becoming real.
objects have form,
and true color.
lenses are being removed
that i might truly seem them
as if with new eyes,
for the first time
in my whole life.
how can i sleep,
how can i shut my eyes,
how can i blink, or breathe, or speak,
now that i might finally be seeing?


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