cleanse & mend

ryan and i have decided to go on a break...

not a break up, just a break.

(although, i did try to do that too...and then apologized...again)

the last few months have been hard on us,

and we both seem to need some space.

some space to walk away and to breathe again.

some space so that maybe we can stop hurting each other,

and maybe even save what we've got left.

we both love each other...

and so we're going to give it a try.

..............................

last weekend i had plans to go out with some girlfriends of mine.

as ryan walked me out to my car i began to get a bit choked up.

i confessed that i didn't really want to go with them and when he offered to let me stay there with him...i declined that too.

lately i've needed more of ryan then he can give- 

which isn't entirely his fault or my fault.

i'm going to school full time-actually taking more than a full course load.

i'm also working a full time job-which sometimes turns out to be more like 60 hours a week-with a boss that is less than easy to get along with most of the time.

i'm living with people that aren't my family for the first time-3 girls (and their boyfriends).

i've given myself over to weekly therapy which is digging up more than i can focus on a lot of the time...

and i've tried to stay engaged in two communities of people that i love very deeply.

then there's ryan and me...

and my very regimented time and expectations.

so that night i didn't want to go out with friends,

and i strangely wasn't demanding his time either.

i told him that i was sad...about everything...

and that i wanted to just go home and sleep.

he told me that maybe i'm depressed,

maybe i've been that way a long time and never noticed it,

and that i should just be with it and see what happens.

i told ken and some of wellspring this story and ken said that a lot of people begin to feel depressed when they begin therapy because of all the junk it brings up.

i talked to dr. galvin about it too...

she said that all of that might be true,

but i might also just be exhausted.

maybe it's all three i said.

she told me to go home and get some rest.

.......................................

i've been taking a lot of showers the past couple of weeks.

mostly because when i get home, everything comes pouring out,

and so i jump in the shower...

and i cry.

i lay in the bottom of the bathtub for a long while...

that way i can get it all out and my roommates don't ask questions.

no one can hear me.

i can be alone.

today i woke up in my parents' house.

i left the city and school so that i could get away-

away from ryan who is only a few minutes away...

from all of our friends that keep asking what's wrong with ryan & i,

from my job that never ends,

and to sleep.

home is a whole other can of worms most of the time,

but for the moment it is the only haven i felt safe enough to go.

i jumped in the shower this morning...

going over the things i would say in church today:

i'm leading our worship gathering and this week is covering a part in acts that talks about peter's miraculous healing of two separate people.

thinking about it pisses me off.

i wonder why the hell God couldn't have done that kind of stuff for me...

why it couldn't be that easy.

why it has to be so damn hard...

and hurt like nothing i've ever felt before.

why i couldn't be healed...

so that that maybe i could stop crying,

and maybe i could stop taking as many showers.

pondering all this, i reach over to grab the shampoo that has been left in the shower (i don't like to bring a whole lot home...packing is annoying to me)

so i grabbed what i saw first,

aussie's shampoo called: 'cleanse & mend'.

i chuckled...and cried a little.

.......................................

i'm scared to death to be alone in all this.

i hate that the one thing that could bring ryan & i closer is to be apart.

for some reason, that doesn't add up.

right now, depression or exhaustion, is the time when i need him the most...

and the time that i guess i'll have to go it alone,

and maybe even rely upon these people i claim to be in 'community' with.

i hate that God is having to work all this out in us,

i hate that we've tried harder at this than anything before,

and i hate that he and i are still little kids...

still fumbling around and dragging each other around.

i wish it were easy.

i wish it were painless.

i wish it were over already...

but it's not, and we've got a big journey ahead of us.

it will hopefully be filled with lots of questions, 

and maybe even a couple answers...

and maybe a little less wasted shampoo.