look & see

'you can get the monkey off your back,

but the circus never really leaves town'

-grace (eventually); anne lamotte

.........................................

there's this scene in my favorite movie, pride & prejudice, that had always puzzled me.

the prideful elizabeth has just turned down mr. darcy's proposal...

she has just found out that he has been the cause of her eldest sister's heartbreak and he has told her that he loves her 'despite' her inferior place in society.

she does not take this well...

and does not understand how a man could claim to love her with all of these offenses made against her.

they are both wrong, but they have also both spoken the truth.

the next scene has elizabeth waking and pacing around the house in her robe.

she tries to pick up a book but cannot seem to stop smiling...we suppose from the feelings that have just been handed to her.

she finally winds up looking out at something...

the viewer can't tell what it is...perhaps a window?

as she stands there gazing, the sun goes down outside and the room grows dark.

darcy shows up to give her a letter of explanation, but she does not alter her stare.

finally, after he has left, she spins around and we realize she's been looking in a mirror.

i never understood why or how she could be looking at herself for that length of time.

it kind of irritated me.

this movie, my favorite movie, that i cannot seem to find a flaw in has this one scene that i don't seem to understand.

perhaps i should read the book to find out...especially now that i have a little bit of extra time on my hands.

............................................

when ryan and i visited my therapist together this last time, she told us that during this time apart we needed to do some real internal searching.

we aren't supposed to really be trying to fix things for each other, but more for ourselves.

we're not even really supposed to talk about each other or focus on each other...

we're supposed to deal with our own shit.

she said that it's kind of like looking in a mirror to see who we really are.

now, i think most people look in mirrors only when they're getting ready or are doing something in the bathroom.

i don't know many people that stare in mirrors for the sake of 'seeing themselves'.

if you haven't done it, i suggest you try it.

it's hard to get past all of our traditional thoughts that come to mind as we look at ourselves,

much less to begin to analyze our souls.

i watched pride and prejudice again this weekend while i've been on break for thanksgiving,

and that scene, that one scene that has never sat well with me, finally made total sense. 

right after being confronted with someone else telling her that they loved her...

right after having her family's dysfunction and place called into question...

right after her pride and own faults are uncovered...

she spends countless hours in front of a mirror staring at herself.

...................................

i wish that my 'mirror' looked like one surrounded by beautiful english landscapes and would be end just like my favorite movie does.

don't get me wrong...i think ms. elizabeth and mr. darcy had their fair share of angst,

but my mirrors look more like fun house mirrors in a circus.

i can barely get a clear view of myself before something changes and the meditation is lost. 

not to mention that my circus, especially during the holidays, is dancing around me...and bringing havoc.

i wish i could get a good look inside myself...

i wish that i could see past the circus around me...

i wish i knew what questions to ask of myself...

i wish that i could really accept the fact that all of this will not be solved in three months,

that my relationships will not be perfect,

and that i will not have all the answers. 

i wish. i wish. i wish.