so very great

'THE GREAT UNDOING'

that's what i've decided to name what i've been going through over the past year or so...

i've been unraveled by something much bigger than myself.

it has been the scariest most painful time of my life.

i descended into myself and i went down kicking and screaming,

and yes,

i found myself many a time laying in the bottom of the shower.

i definitely did not take my undoing like a champ.

no, i pulled others down with me as i was drowning,

i blamed and sought to make others wrong,

i played the victim,

i hid, withdrew, lashed out, hurt...

and i did it all with the style & grace of someone being driven totally insane.

i became a crazy madwoman and i drove others crazy around me.

.

'he’d already been watching me fall apart for months now, 

watching me behave like a madwoman (we both agreed on that word), 

and i only exhausted him.  

we both knew there was something wrong with me, 

and he’d been losing patience with it.  

we’d been fighting and crying, 

and we were weary in that way that only a couple whose marriage is collapsing can be weary.  

we had the eyes of refugees.'

(eat, pray, love)

.

yes, i have had the eyes of refugees,

but now something seems to be changing as i've embarked on this journey,

and it's changing in the way that only travel seems to be able to cure.

as my friend johannes said...

i needed to get out of there.

i needed to get up from the bottom of the shower.

and so now i find myself in a new place

(germany, as of today)

it's kind of scary because i don't know how to be.

i've been that crazy madwoman that was grasping for any type of control,

gasping for air and clinging to anything that looked like safety.

so i call this...

'THE GREAT PUTTING BACK TOGETHER'

my body has laid there open and exposed long enough,

and now it's time for this sweater to stop unraveling.

i don't know what you believe about the whole 'dying to yourself' concept,

because for a long time i thought it was...to be frank...a load of shit,

but i think it happens several times throughout life.

this will not be the only time i descend into myself,

the only time i let go of the juli that wasn't really intended,

the only time i experience deep pain that causes massive change.

no, despite my own black-and-white thinking,

i am not so foolish as to believe i am done with this.

i will continue to die to myself, 

and maybe next time with a little less struggle.

(just go read fenelon...i can't even begin to quote him)

i'm starting to believe that there really are king's horses & king's men that can put juli back together again.

and it feels a whole lot better.

.

and he set me on fire, and i am burning alive.
with his breath in my lungs i am coming undone.
and he set me on fire and i am burning alive.
with his breath in my lungs i am coming undone.
and i cannot hold it in 
and remain composed.
love's taken over me 
so i propose letting myself go.
i am letting myself go.
you are my joy.
you are my joy.
you are my joy.
you are my joy.

-david crowder

.

how can i be on fire and be coming undone at the same time?

"abba lot went to see abba joseph and said to him, 

'abba, as far as i can,

i say my little office,

i fast a little,

i pray and meditate,

i live in peace and as far as i can,

i purify my thoughts.

what else can i do?'

then the old man stood up

and stretched his hands toward heaven.

his fingers became like ten lamps of fire and he said to him,

'if you will, you can become all flame."

yes...i am burning alive.