nervous

i'm starting to get a little concerned...

concerned about the choices i'm making,

about the roads i'm taking,

and more importantly all the things i'm not doing.

i suppose that i'm like most people...

when tough choices stare me in the face it is much easier to sit idle and wait for someone else to make a decision for me.

as the name explicitly states...

i am a girl growing.

i am 22 years old and have big things ahead of me...

i need to decide whether to actually finish this masters in theology or to give up on it...

(like i mentioned after hearing claiborne-i wonder if knowing greek helps widows and orphans)

i need to decide what i want to do after graduation next winter...

when i turn 23 in august i'll be dropped off my parents health insurance and that thought is giving my father heart burn...

i need to decide whether it's going to be hillary or obama in '08...

and dammit, i need to decide what dress to wear to ryan's fraternity formal!

(okay, so i guess that last one is slightly 'dramastical')

..........................................

i'm still learning how to rely on others for help and guidance,

how to make myself accessible to others,

how to question and trust,

how to grow up and still be 22,

how to love,

and i'm definitely still learning how to seek.

then somewhere in the midst of all this i look around and realize that there are those around me that have much harder decisions to make.

it's a balance...

learning how to be honest about your own stuff and how to step away from it when you get too caught up.

........................................

i think that the reason i'm feeling a lot of anxiety right now is due to that fact that i've spent a lot of the past week in the doctor's office.

now, this isn't 'girl whining', so please don't mistake all my concerns,

but i've had...something...wrong with me the past 5 years of my life,

and i'm hoping that this time we figure it out.

this issue was another one of those things that i sat by and watched...

idle...

waiting for something else to fix it,

and nothing ever did.

so i'm growing up...learning how to get over the fear of bad news and making decisions to correct time lost.
2 years ago i had a bunch of tests run and no answer was found for what was wrong with me.

i think i'm afraid that i'll go through all this again and we'll have the same result.

it's not life or death...

probably nothing serious...

certainly not as hard as some things my friends have gone through...

but definitely things that will change my future,

and i don't like my future being out of my control.

ohhh...if there is a God, which i'm bankin' on,

then he certainly works in strange ways.

and he's certainly doing a number on me.

i suppose it's time to start growing up,

facing the tough decisions and the future,

and hopefully see what i'm really made of.