girl growing

and a space for her to play in

Wednesday, January 31, 2007


i am afraid of heights.
there...i admitted it.
i'm a scaredy cat.
once while i was in destin, fl i decided to bungee jump.
i know, completely ridiculous and impulsive move,
but it was great.
(definitely not as gutsy as my dear friend karen's skydiving experience, i'm sure!)
and so i climbed up the rattly stairs, forcing a grin of courage all the way to the top.
when i got whole body was shaking.
i had never been so scared in my life.
directly ahead of me were the white sands of florida's beaches...
and the crystal blue waters of the ocean...
and a very menacing storm rolling in.
i was the last one they would allow to jump because of the ominous clouds,
and that in itself made my stomach flip a little.
so when it came my turn i simply got harnessed in and
didn't take a second look back.
i didn't want to hesitate,
because i knew for sure that i would chicken out.
so i jumped...
and i screamed...
and i hung by my feet suspended in mid-air...
and i can barely remember any of it...
except that it was sheer release.
i'm going to a convent for my spring break.
i'll be spending 4 days in complete silence and solitude...
except for brief conversations with my 'spiritual guide' for the week.
there, the rooms-the walls, the linens, the bathrooms-are all bright white.
there are fountains and statues and amazing gardens.
posted above is an artist's rendition of the place...
i've been there at night, and it's enchanting.
like ken told me when i called him today to relate my news,
'you like to drink from the fire hydrant, don't you?'
i suppose it's true.
perhaps it's my youth...or impatience...or sheer guts,
i'm not sure,
but i've decided that i need a break...
and luckily i've got a spring break coming up that could be put to good use.
somewhere without the internet, or a cell phone, t.v., or even people i love.
just me...and perhaps God if he chooses.
i think somewhere amidst my anxiety around the future, baby greek (which really does keep you up, crying, late into the night) and normal young adult responsibilities,
i saw a glimpse of what an irritable, overly-emotional, dramatic girl i can be, and i decided i need to take a breath.
and so here i am,
standing on the ledge,
not wanting to glance back.
i am scared to death of what could happen while i'm there,
and even more terrified of what might not happen.
i suppose i just don't know what else to do.
i'm hoping to kind of build up to the 4 days by spending growing amount of time in solitude so that i'm not shocked when i'm actually there.
i'll have my camera, journals, and plenty of books...
along with ken's guidance and an outline for my thoughts.
so while my friends are in tahoe, destin, and in front of the t.v.,
i'll be wading through the dark night of my soul,
and hoping that i somehow find peace...
and sheer release.


Blogger KC said...

I want to be you when i grow up.

11:01 AM  
Blogger juli said...

ditto kc.

12:03 PM  

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